After my last post, I would have gone up the mountain to sleep, but it was late, or early in the morning, so I ended up sleeping over, and the two of us went for an early morning swim, before the big walk, and I, once again, ended up expending my frustration on, or rather, in water, and came out much more focused. Went to ... church. People are being... discipled... in evangelism, so groups had to move about, under the theme "Praying on sight with insight", and no, it is not 'site', and anywhere me, vinnie and another old-timer who is also an expat, went along the main road, with the guy going on home. We had to stop at vinnie's stall and he helped abisha unpack, and then we walked the guy some, and came back. Interestingly, I saw NOTHING upsetting, which was unusual, because, though I try to get over it-and I can not even DREAM of getting a haircut- whenever I am lost in thought I tend to twist my hair, and I have found that people take that as a tell-tale sign I am changing my mind, when in truth I only change my mind over people I care about, NOT isignificant insects. So, as I listened to vinnie and the other guy pouring out their concerns about their futures and the terrible burdens my friend was having to face, my mind was more on HOW to get my own way while leaving him in a good position, and basically the only person I saw was Mrs Frizzled Hair, as she went into the olympia cafe. No sign of the c.a. chick with or without doomed male company. hold a mo. Anyway, we went back to church, and for the first time, it was not my.. hair... that made me stand out, but my... stance, on christ. Because the congregation was having communion, and so, because of the 3 day question I raised as a barrier to my belief, and because no one had any way around that, they had their communion while I sat there, sticking out like a sore thumb, wondering, again, where I would ever find MY place. And WTF I was doing there to begin with. It ended, and we came out, past the market, with the bad parts being the faggot son of the little mama, who had gone away, was now back, and will STILL die, as will her mother, and entire family to the small dogd, yes, and that guy of hers with his please-be merciful-to-me walk-bys. I mean, look at it from MY point of view:- I, because I hate disputed territory, am actually going ...away... leaving people to... enjoy... my labour, since I can nkt allow anyone, not the holy spirit, not christ, nor God, to have... dominion... over me, and hell, am I stupid enough to let someone I know was a witness, participant or both to my humiliation remain alive to witness my shame? Hell no, the fool dies, and burns forever, while i will ONLY walk away when there are no more thorns under my feet, when everything is... clean, without any harmful thing for me. So those I said are dead, die, and really, either get with the program, accept that as a fact, or die by my hand, because you have an option of continuing to piss me off till i throttle you AND send you to hell, or you just go to hell. And burn forever. And lose either way. Snap, almost forgot, saw the jew girl's car as I was standing at the T-junction where clairvaux road starts, she drove right past me. Now, if the time spent eyeballing me was used getting the grit of what I write, I suppose tgings woukd be clearer for everyone by now, but NOOOO, you idiots think God will restrain me, show you a softer Prince, and you will all kive happily ever after. Fuck that, if people have SEX after I am through, I woukd have failed. I intend to be the ONLY one who will enjoy himself after all this. No one else. And no one will MAKE you stop, but you will run away from it yourselves, and while I woukd have prefered to just kill off everyone on the planet, I do not WANT the blasted place, fuck it!! I will find my own places, and explore the places God did not kay claim to when He said "Heaven and earth is Mine" the day I walked up the steps at sunny cove station when I still stayed in S/town, namely, everything in between. So, c.a. chick, much as I am restrained from killing you, not because YOU matter to God, but to ME, and I would later regret it forever, because, just as sparing my mother's life is necessary, but if it was not for the uncommon kindness of vinnie I would not even think it, I have nothing to look forward to if all I would have to face are 20 women I met briefly and are strangers to me, and who will take some time to get used to. Especially as it us through them that my disillusionment about WHAT I am mainly occured. But I tell you the truth, you have disappointed me, greatly, and the load of bitterness I feel towards you for basically contiuously dissing me grows with each day. Because of you, I am in prison, and i want you to GET the point that YOU are holding me in bondage, and i REALLY, REALLY hate having a person step on my toes like you are doing. And nothing GOOD ever comes of making me angry. Do NOT equate yourself to God, Who can withstand me, because I could measure your insignificant little nut of a brain in less than a millisecond, and be bored by what you think are your loftiest thoughts. To me, you are more... stupid... than a newborn with down syndrome, because anything you think is your ... best... for me is absolute rubbish. I do NOT want what you THINK I ought to have, because to me, what you reserve for yourself is what matters. If I cant have ut ALL then dont even bother showing up near me, you would insult me. I am not some idiot that plays games, and being held up by you because you think of me in YOUR terms, like I am one of the males that grew up with you, knew you, or whatever- and every such one is dead, just to prove my point- is highly insulting. Either acknowledge me completely ad I am, and not as a mere man, or get out of my life, my way, totally, before the time comes that NOTHING, nkt even God Himself, would be able to restrain me. And i totally vent my anger on you. Consider yourself warned, again. I will keep count, till my cup runs over. If you have something you are hiding, like you actually INVOLVED with someone, or you want ne for a surrogate father for any offspring you have, I will find out, then I assure you, you will slend every minute of your life, what will remain of it, wishing you had never shown up anywhere near me. You WILL regret it, and regret is not even the word.
