It is very trying, of course, because I am having to stop doing what I would naturally .. and sort of start blaming God, et.c. and... watch, as things happen, as was the case today. The morning was routine with the only significant event being that mrs -it must be that, not ms,since the one time I stood next to her in the olympia bakery, and, inexplicably, nowthat I think of it, started singing the opening lines of the song "I Wanna Know What Love Is" '('Gonna take a little time, a little time to think things over...' before I smothered it), I saw the ring on her finger,and Ok,I am already THERE, anyway,but until I KNOW for a fact she the girl's mother, all this is conjecture- Frizzled Hair walked quite normally into olympia bakery carrying some box, and then stood outside talking with kenneth. Hell,God interfered the one time I wanted everyone there dead day before I discovered my sister was still alive, because same woman walked so forlornly past, and of course,I had no idea then that myinsane rages at the contemporary art chick hid my love... and jealousy. So when she walked past,I paid her no heed,she is nothreat.Anyway, I had occassion to go to the kalk bay cafe later, and as I was walking out,I lifted my eyes and there, in a yellownumber, hadbag and the inevitable accesory of some guy- nothing personal but however this turns out, THAT guy, is also dead- was thevery happy looking contemporary art chick. I ambeginning to think I am invisible, here. I can see ME, but from the way everyone elsesort of lives their lives ... around me... I am getting a complex! All that was missing was the two walking hand in hand. Alright, so either the woman is trying to tell me, by her silent behaviour, that even if chartfield and harbour house chicken out, she will get some other, better dude, to be her beau, or .... heck, to ME that is all I hear. And this is a person I find it impossible to strangle manually. God help me, because I am starting to feel like a eunuch here, a veritable dickless little boy. Baby even. Fuck, I can NOT look at this objectively, i am getting worried that I will get so much more angry it will have stronger backlashes than even I anticipate. This shit is getting over my head, here!
