I have given up on the woman, which is why I assume that, according to tradition, someone IS going to piss me off, and I will finally be able to vent all my aggression on the... entire planet.
fuck, I love her, yes, but I wonder why I am not getting through to her. yesterday, she came, again, and walked right into the office, after doing her walk-by me again, and then, just to draw my attention walked out to her car, and then she was the whole day in that place, or whatever. I did not stay to watch, I went away, slept, and then, after being forced for a while to BE at the stall since the others had other business elsewhere, I, as soon as vinnie came back, asked to go to his house so i could access the internet on his tablet. unfortunately, I do NOT have anger issues, I have ANGER. Period. I have an intolerance that is more than paranoia, and i have been discovering how obvious it is to some people, and thus, how deeply ingrained it is in me, and more to the point, I have been discovering the God element in me. Which makes me unreasoning fury. And for some reason , some people still try to appeal to my ... reason. Please, stop wasting my time. As far as i am concerned, if I said i do not like you, called you names, or sentenced you to death, with your families and all that, then you are dead. Accept, it, fight it, but heck, you are dead, period.
unless you are sarah. for some reason, i liked the fact that she spoke to me, today. went a long way to ease the pain. but, heck, what i said is DEAD, is dead.
but...
I had not said all that I meant to about yesterday. I got to vinnie's, got the tablet from his kids, and was not even 5 minutes in the garage before i hear a commotion in his house. i went to see, and there was this coloured boy, with a toy gun, standing by the open door, and another, smaller one, ran out as i stood at the wooden gate, telling the boy to come out. With typical lip, the boy told me what he thought of me, foreigners, and my 'virginity'. I chased him around, slapped him a few times, and made my way back to the garage, where i had written just the title, "Whats love got to do with it", and published it. the father, who was part of the reason why i HAD ended up slapping the kid, showed up a moment or so later, with a knife. Ok, nothing MUCH happened, the guy is a small guy, and I... well... even in my weakness, I have special protection from harm, but THIS time, I felt a BIG change in me, because for a long time, when I held even a child, and the child resisted, I felt the resistance and could never overcome it. This time, I had to STOP myself twisting the guy's arms and ending up in a position of taking over the knife, the whole fight, and probably taking things to their ... logical... conclusion. Which would NOT have reflected well on vinnie. johno, vinnie's landlord, intervened, said some choice words to me as well that I ... think... need a reckoning, and made the fatal mistake of advising me. NO one tells me what to do. That is RULE number one.Anyway, he ordered everyone outside,and there was a whole crowd of people gathered around, waiting to see me wasted, and for the first time ever, I did not care anymore. I have looked, before, at people as being just like me, but with what tore inside me so painful, I have stopped putting myself last. Nothing, ever again, will stand in my way. I have... had... decided, to, just give in to my rage, and destroy everything. Came down with that purpose today. Till i heard lines from this song
as i was left alone by vinnie in the container
fuck, I love her, yes, but I wonder why I am not getting through to her. yesterday, she came, again, and walked right into the office, after doing her walk-by me again, and then, just to draw my attention walked out to her car, and then she was the whole day in that place, or whatever. I did not stay to watch, I went away, slept, and then, after being forced for a while to BE at the stall since the others had other business elsewhere, I, as soon as vinnie came back, asked to go to his house so i could access the internet on his tablet. unfortunately, I do NOT have anger issues, I have ANGER. Period. I have an intolerance that is more than paranoia, and i have been discovering how obvious it is to some people, and thus, how deeply ingrained it is in me, and more to the point, I have been discovering the God element in me. Which makes me unreasoning fury. And for some reason , some people still try to appeal to my ... reason. Please, stop wasting my time. As far as i am concerned, if I said i do not like you, called you names, or sentenced you to death, with your families and all that, then you are dead. Accept, it, fight it, but heck, you are dead, period.
unless you are sarah. for some reason, i liked the fact that she spoke to me, today. went a long way to ease the pain. but, heck, what i said is DEAD, is dead.
but...
I had not said all that I meant to about yesterday. I got to vinnie's, got the tablet from his kids, and was not even 5 minutes in the garage before i hear a commotion in his house. i went to see, and there was this coloured boy, with a toy gun, standing by the open door, and another, smaller one, ran out as i stood at the wooden gate, telling the boy to come out. With typical lip, the boy told me what he thought of me, foreigners, and my 'virginity'. I chased him around, slapped him a few times, and made my way back to the garage, where i had written just the title, "Whats love got to do with it", and published it. the father, who was part of the reason why i HAD ended up slapping the kid, showed up a moment or so later, with a knife. Ok, nothing MUCH happened, the guy is a small guy, and I... well... even in my weakness, I have special protection from harm, but THIS time, I felt a BIG change in me, because for a long time, when I held even a child, and the child resisted, I felt the resistance and could never overcome it. This time, I had to STOP myself twisting the guy's arms and ending up in a position of taking over the knife, the whole fight, and probably taking things to their ... logical... conclusion. Which would NOT have reflected well on vinnie. johno, vinnie's landlord, intervened, said some choice words to me as well that I ... think... need a reckoning, and made the fatal mistake of advising me. NO one tells me what to do. That is RULE number one.Anyway, he ordered everyone outside,and there was a whole crowd of people gathered around, waiting to see me wasted, and for the first time ever, I did not care anymore. I have looked, before, at people as being just like me, but with what tore inside me so painful, I have stopped putting myself last. Nothing, ever again, will stand in my way. I have... had... decided, to, just give in to my rage, and destroy everything. Came down with that purpose today. Till i heard lines from this song
why are we
so blind to see
that the ones we hurt
are you and me?
Oh, yes, and I am, of course, born bad. Mad. Crazy!
Ah, well, i sort of promised that I would spare her child, whatever its sex, but that is as far as i go with the child's bloodline. All other paternal relations of the child will be exterminated from the earth, and this will happen irrespective of her decision, because it is a personal spite to me for a woman who is/was involved with anyone to look my way without disentangling herself from such... people. So, since I have taken over the issue, they are all dead, and more so because they were, are, active witnesses, which makes it doubly more insulting. So, i will wipe them from the earth, just as the families of those who tried to do the same while trying to get me to dig their fields. fuck, my PRIDE matters more than anything else, which is what i wanted to say with yesterday's post. certain things me nuh inna
so blind to see
that the ones we hurt
are you and me?
And, well, I can pretend to the world and everyone else that i do not care, but my heart bleeds to see the terror in the girl's eyes. I am ME, what I say I am, and, well, I can not be what you want me to be, what I AM is plain, and straightforward, and fuck, you keep on wanting me to be something else, maybe your... boyfriend... or reasonable, but hell, that negates my very reason to be ... alive. i can not fit into your world, never. I AM going to kill those around you that i promised that, for the sake of MY peace, i would kill, and nothing can stop me. maybe you think I can change, but hell, whatever you think, I can not stop living my life, crap as it is.
I am tired, to the bone, of this being 'out of place',and NOW, I am taking hold of God's promise of a place prepared for me, which means i am taking over the literal running of the world. at one time, i was worrying about what would happen to vinnie if I left and he was exposed to the people who could have him in their thrall, but heck, there will be NO tourism, there will be NO landlord, nor having to bow down for him to anyone, because i will remove those who offended me, as far as he is concerned, and they will go to hell. they have the option of going quietly or being sent by me... personally. I am sure i can oblige then there. After all, all i am looking for is that missing spark.
Oh, why lie? Either the chick goes all the way and rejects me, or she comes out in the open, and either way i will be able to divert my attention from being 99.5% on her and just 0.5% on everyone and everything else, and i will gather my fury and destroy your world as it stands, currently.
nothing can make me change, and I recognise no democracy. I am just at the moment in despair that this woman, this crazily beautiful and attractive woman, is miles away, as far as I am concerned.
this morning I saw nothing of her, till I was helping vinnie and abisha display their stuff, and there she was, in some white dress, and if I had not raised my head I would not have seen her at all, but she showed up, and then walked... again... into the office, or was it she first went past me into the olympia bakery? maybe, and I was standing right there, and well, I could be trying to fit myself where I do not fit, because I do not KNOW, maybe she is just reading my posts and she is worrying about my fixation, my infatuation, I do not KNOW, I am guessing here. Only her walking up to me and setting my mind at rest will clear things up, here. because i do not KNOW what she thinks, but fuck, who the hell ever listens to me? way she ran to wherever she was parked made me so much more sad, because I do not think she can get over what I personally can not get over when I try to picture myself in relation to her;- I stay in the mountains, and as far as anyone is concerned, i am crazy, and reaching beyond my means, trying to force my way where my attentions are not welcome. I do not KNOW what she thinks of me, because she does not SAY anything to me. All I want to know is where i stand. And i can carry on with my life, whats left of it.
I am tired, to the bone, of this being 'out of place',and NOW, I am taking hold of God's promise of a place prepared for me, which means i am taking over the literal running of the world. at one time, i was worrying about what would happen to vinnie if I left and he was exposed to the people who could have him in their thrall, but heck, there will be NO tourism, there will be NO landlord, nor having to bow down for him to anyone, because i will remove those who offended me, as far as he is concerned, and they will go to hell. they have the option of going quietly or being sent by me... personally. I am sure i can oblige then there. After all, all i am looking for is that missing spark.
Oh, why lie? Either the chick goes all the way and rejects me, or she comes out in the open, and either way i will be able to divert my attention from being 99.5% on her and just 0.5% on everyone and everything else, and i will gather my fury and destroy your world as it stands, currently.
nothing can make me change, and I recognise no democracy. I am just at the moment in despair that this woman, this crazily beautiful and attractive woman, is miles away, as far as I am concerned.
this morning I saw nothing of her, till I was helping vinnie and abisha display their stuff, and there she was, in some white dress, and if I had not raised my head I would not have seen her at all, but she showed up, and then walked... again... into the office, or was it she first went past me into the olympia bakery? maybe, and I was standing right there, and well, I could be trying to fit myself where I do not fit, because I do not KNOW, maybe she is just reading my posts and she is worrying about my fixation, my infatuation, I do not KNOW, I am guessing here. Only her walking up to me and setting my mind at rest will clear things up, here. because i do not KNOW what she thinks, but fuck, who the hell ever listens to me? way she ran to wherever she was parked made me so much more sad, because I do not think she can get over what I personally can not get over when I try to picture myself in relation to her;- I stay in the mountains, and as far as anyone is concerned, i am crazy, and reaching beyond my means, trying to force my way where my attentions are not welcome. I do not KNOW what she thinks of me, because she does not SAY anything to me. All I want to know is where i stand. And i can carry on with my life, whats left of it.
Oh, yes, and I am, of course, born bad. Mad. Crazy!
