The... Future comes before the Present, for the Hopeless One

First, the song.

Then, comes the ... explanation, as I begin to grasp how God has operated in my life.

So, in 2004, I decided that, since  I was dying anyway, I would at least do so with some dignity; get my mother to at least acknowledge that I had a right as a human being to do as i pleased. Hence the issue with the girl, which did not work, because some people will never see what is just before their own eyes.
It was after we had broken up... AFTER... the God-promise of Isaiah 6: 1-13 that in the year king uzziah died some-one would 'see' the Lord of the Earth, the God of War, that, without ME asking, I think in 2006, God went the '2 Kings 6 ;20' route, and I was ... wondering... why the fuck He added 15 years to my life, WHY He said "I claim you for Myself" and made it impossible for me to be a... christian... to fit in, and why He was ... messing up my life.
Well, thing is, when I KNEW I was going to die, and that hiv-aids has NO cure, I had ... nothing to lose, so I could be as bold as i wished to, and do what made me most at peace, anyway, since I had nothing to gain, nothing I wanted anyway in life.
This never changed, even till now, even though I... tried... to make it so.
I want nothing from anyone, nothing that anyone has will ever ... satisfy me.
I am, have always been, and remain, someone who really does not have any hope in life. Someone who, along the way, missed out on the things that you all value, 'love', 'sympathy', delusions, et.c. I am basically a cold, logical person that is devoid of any emotion except anger, anger at my frustrated plans, anger that what is so plain is ignored, overlooked because people assume that what is said is hiding something else, and that one does not 'live by the word', but by some other things.
But, you see, when God wanted to let me know even THEN, way back when, that, being alive aside -because i can NOT get past the fact that God... cheated, with me- that what I really wanted was just to be left alone and not prodded and poked, He gave me the 'extra' fifteen years, and a rather megalomaniac way of getting myself ... HEARD;- 10 years of ...continuously troubling people, seven of which, I am suspecting, start about... NOW.
the 'ten million dollars' to build myself that ...otherworldly... palace.
So, in effect, God made a way for me BEFORE i knew I would NEED a way so that I could at least not give up as easily as i would have done otherwise, even with the "turkey" promise where someone -yeah, who could provide ME a place that I liked? No one, that is who, but whoever it is would have something IN that place that would have some attraction for me- had set up a place for me. Notice the link between 'turkey' and the ark-thing, since turkey was the place noah's ark landed, and in this case, instead of the ark-like thing landing ON noah's ark -boulder's beach- out came  a bat's wing, five fingers, and the ark flew over that, yes?
because of one person's assumption, which I saw ample evidence of even today, the silly woman, that I could actually ... LOVE... her, and thus could be used to spare the lives of people she tried to use to get me to bow down and be her child's surrogate father. Happily, those closest to you have shamed you, and because of that, two people that were with you, will join me, and these will be the reason why everything around you, and the people around you that you used and provoked me to anger with, will die, because, yes, i will have my revenge, and whatever hold you thought you had on me is gone. Prepare for hell, you, all yours and all your SO's.
Fuck am I talking about...

This is what happened this morning:- I was waiting by the container this morning when i happened to look at the road by the junction, and there was the CR-V, with the ka behind it. In front was some guy  and she was behind, in the ka, and her hair was down, like the dumpy chick wears hers. I read the statement quickly "forget the other chick, I can let MY hair down, and do not forget that there are people precious to me that you are threatening, so if you want anything to do with me, get off your high horse and look at me alone, and I will give you my leftovers, you pathetic freak!". I was, of course, not amused. And I thought of letting my thoughts public at the library, but as i walked, i decided, fuck this, no more running off. I will face this, and ask God why the fuck I am stuck here! So I turned back, and as i came to the junction again, I gave the building both fingers, just to show that we ARE at war.
And I was glad that I did not go, because, again, i got to see red breeches, who walked past me again, and this time, what she had to say was something i was better prepared to listen to. fine, she does not have so much of a figure, but she does have something that I get to value by ... contrast... the only way I can REALLY appreciate a woman.. like with the alert blonde at the beach after michelle's friend showed up, and I ended up exercising my 'right', like, first time, in anger, to CALL her to me. She came, read about it. Why should I lie to you? Why would I care? Every lie will be found out, anyway.
OR, with the unlooked-for intervention of the very polite-to-her-mother chick when the grating voice of the I-can-do-what-any-man-can-do woman with her bad military-style haircut got me really, really pissed off, and she calmed me down, and then turned away as I looked at her, but slowly, so that I would not be offended, and then interrupted HER business to leave me to be... composed.

OR when  I caught the chick from S/Town, after i looked at her as the Glencairn married woman started annoying me -and i would not walk away, but kept looking;- looking at me, and then away to give a chance to look at her, and then the following day, she had her hair down, was reading a book like i was, and definitely gave me the impression that the effort was for ME, that she was placing herself at MY disposal, which accounts for the look I got the last time I saw her, when she was staring at me, without the ... competition... like I was the best thing she had ever laid eyes on.

These women gave me back my pride, woman, something you would never understand, because you saw what you wanted to see, and thought you would have your way, like all these other fools. Now, though, you have lost. I am calling MINE to me, and with these I depart, but before that, you will experience the utter destruction of all those castles you built in the sky, and perish in them.i will save the jew. ONLY. From your crew. Because she DID do me a favour. And because, in a way, I ... owe... God, for every member of my family that I will save. Let God cull them as He pleases, I will touch none of them. Nor will I... touch... any of them. I do not like them, but unless one of them DID do me wrong, then I will leave them as is. 
Now, the day as it happened was not... finished... because the asshole tony showed up, and he-fuck, I KNOW the asshole reads my posts, and I am thinking that for saying vinnie is my 'boss', I would like to kill him, because he shows that he pays no attention to what happens right before him. I am wondering whether to just kill him anyway, with my bare hands, yeah-ss!- was very bold, because the one person whose life I have regard for was near, and he started speaking about how he wanted his place clean. I glared at him, and he said "dont look at me like that", and i started speaking, throwing in words like 'bullshit' and 'fuck', just to let him know that i was ready to grind HIS head in the dust. he must have selective hearing, because instead of 'do not talk shit!' like he normally does, he went on to actually try to ... explain -sidestepping the issue of why i was supposed to have stood up and walked away when i was the one minding the market, hello?- that he was boss. Asshole maybe never had toys to play with, or maybe someone needs to unplug his head from his ass to let out some air, he is so full of shit! anyway, i walked away, thought better of it, came back intent on killing him anyway, vinnie or not. And stood next to him, at which he seems to have remembered some prior appointment, because I saw nothing more of him. But I did see the loudmouth rasta whom the apple chick gave such a brilliant smile, dead!, the smart chick,her brother, her father, all dead!, the breastless blonde, who showed up with an elderly woman yesterday -this mother thing seems catching, dead!, the redhead with glasses who walks like a duck, dead! , goatface, dead!, and, of course, mike, dead!... obviously. Only, like the three step exploding heart technique in "Kill Bill", these people still have to take the three steps and then die...hmmm, do i have the clip available?

Well, I think, I can safely say, people, that... its time for people to... die. No apologies will be... accepted, NOOOOO!
BUT, still, my day was not done, because, these fools think I am so... shallow that everytime i think... food... i think the apple chick. hello, i have been eating food for 31 years and eight months, almost nine months now, and she has been bothering me for, like, what? and it is STRESS that makes me over-eat, because I do not have a handle on everything yet, missing gaps, like, "but what about THIS thing that has not happened yet? where does it fit in?"> Anyway, as soon as i gulped down a cupful of coke, mike townsend was pleased -he even gave vinnie the permission to have his, oh oh, tony will hear this and chase him away, now! but WTF, how long do you people have to live anyway- and he walked out, and it was then that i was really pissed off about being stuck in this rut.
took a while, words, when it comes to God, sometimes fail me. I do not trust myself to say what i really want to say because what I really want to say is, "God, let me die",a nd He will never listen to that, so, instead, I have to find some other way to say whatever else is bothering me, which to me is less of a bother than that I am alive, and so, the song was it

you tell me I'm free
but when will it be
for I can not see
oh, no
you tell me I'm free
but when will it be
for I dont agree yeah

took me away from my home
to a land where i dont belong
teach me no rights only wrongs
in a different school
but I know i must get over,
 gotta find me a way
i must break away,
 I must break away,
 everyday I pray

Four hundred years and more
we have been knocking at the door
 we trying to get out
we wanna get out
but you lock it tighter than before
sometimes when I remember 
the things we've been through
I wanna cry I wanna cry
I wanna hold my head up high

I hear my people crying
saying "freedom , freedom, freedom"
they wanna go home...

So, it got to me, and i literally broke up and wept, covered my face in my hands, and asked God why I was so locked up when I never ever wanted to even be in this situation, when all i want I know He will never let me have, and I am effectively a prisoner for all time.

I picture myself, actually, as a stillborn person, someone who was born... dead, with everything functional, but not alive. Nothing means much to me, and nothing is worth bothering about, and... I must remain alive, in this stasis, forever. While everyone else has the ability to ... change... evolve, be something different.
so, I felt sorry for myself, for this torment that God was inflicting on me, and that I had no opportunity to... cover up in secret... and it was but scant relief when God soothed me "Sahwira usaore moyo", meaning,  almost literally, "you who feel for me, do not get a sore heart", although 'ora' means to 'rot', so he was saying, let not you heart rot.
Unfortunately, I was not as subtle as i thought I was being, because someone noticed and abisha came to ask what was wrong, and i remembered that while others can rest, and wake refreshed, and forget their troubles, my inability to do anything else but face the grim things straight in the face means I have nothing to rest on, nothing to lean on; I must never become unaware of my surroundings, so, i composed myself, and noted that tony was right there beside me, laughing. Need i say... more?