Just because i love you does not give you ANY leeway as far as my prerogatives are concerned, you blind little fool! Fuck do you take me for? you all the time put me down, ignore everything I say, and then expect that I would stick around for the rubbish you throw my way you... you... HAAAAAAAA!
your 'friends', work associates -except the gallery people but the jew girl does not count because very jew is dead anyway- are all DEAD, and after the stunt he pulled today I will PERSONALLY end your mike's life, because NO ONE ever steps on my toes and lives. fuck, NO ONE tells ME what to do, HOW to do it, and NO negotiates with me. wake up to the fact that what I want gets done, and if you can not get with that programme then YOU will die as well. I am sick of this bullshit, you little fool. have i ever shown any hint of sentimentality that you think you can use some as leverage for anyone or anything you care about? fuck, if yoiu have ANYTHING you would want included with me, then know that THAT thing will be the cause of your death, because i do ot tolerate anyone trying to hand me their baggage like I am some kind of beast of burden. Maybe, its my colour that is making you think i would appreciate having your refuse thrown in my face. let me educate you, little one, because i am fed up with your nonsense, and fuck, I .... HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
let me say i am designed for one thing, to dominate. I am totally incapable of listening to what anyone else wants, and even God has had to ram it down my throat that it is what I want that He is trying to get me that keeps me, and has kept me, from washing my hands of you. And you make me regret that i ever went down the love road as far as you are concerned. I have endured the taunts and laughs of the chartfield imp, telling myself that well, he is not you, and even that rasta gur who greeted you on the scooter, and drove by yesterday as i was at vinnie's market, but you have sat there, and expected me to dance to your tune, like, who the hell do you THINK you are, you... you.... HAAAAAAA!
if God, the Lord over everything, does not even try to order me to do anything, what makes you, a piece of flesh, and totally blind about the whole scenario, dare to ... test... me to see if i will jump when you say so. fuck, O God, this is TOOOO much. I do not think I can handle this aggravation any longer. hell, I am thinking of just strangling her and be done with it. it will save me a lot of pain, and headache, for sure!
I am going to leave less than five hundred people alive in a few days, and none of them will be the women who came my way and tried to 'teach' me how to live my life, none of them will be their relations, kids or SOs -someone tell that to the faggot kid, because he must have his wires crossed or think me gay or something;- maybe it is that statement about those who dwelt in darkness not being 'gender specific', because apparently he took it I was Ac-Dc. I think I will rip his butthole out of place and string him up along with his mother and sister.
fuck these assholes!
God, WTF?
When am I going to be free of this... provocation?
oh, yeah, because God knows what i... hope for... hoped for, this woman that is busy weighing my moods and ignoring me and then panicking when she thinks i am leaving her and then rushing after me! Only to go back and vegetate when she is sure that I am looking at her again, frustrated.
some woman!
I mantain that i should have killed her a long time ago. Before I discovered that the mere sight of her leaves me breathless, like i am hit in the chest or something. Before I realised that I could never have a life if she was not there, for me to share it with her, and to hold her in my arms and have her sleep while I watched, and... fuck, God i will even let You heal me if i can have her. I will not even try to die anymore. but what is the use, she has her brains somewhere in orbit over her head, and they can not seem to come down to ... earth... so she can just see things as they ARE! Not necessarily as she would want them to be!
I hate this life!
Oh, yeah, how does the song go
pure and clean meditation without a doubt
dont let them take you like who them took out
jah will be waiting there we are shout
jah will be waiting there>
now, i assume she is a mother, and for some reason thinks that since she sees things with a decidedly selfish-slanted eye, then i must also do the same and we meet mid way. I am NOTHING like anyone you have ever seen, woman, because I am not like the child you had. it is no boast to say that I look at the past, present and future all at one go, not at just an easy fix to the current problem. because, as i said over and over again, i never delude myself into a rut, since i have had to dig myself out of those ruts many a time, when i thought i had got away, and these were not what you or anyone else would have said were escapable. i am now finding out that I should just never have gotten infected, because not only did I NOT die, but I discovered after the fact that death was never an option with me, or rather had to face it, head on. Now, I have tried the worst things i could do, taking with me people , and I have walked through the fire unsinged, while they burnt. Does than not show you that i am ... DIFFERENT? Fuck, I have punched walls posts and stuff, hard enough to cause people to stop and stare at times, when pissed off, and yet, even after the swelling,l i have continued functioning. And you dare treat me like just one of the ... guys.
God have mercy!
I hope it rains hard tomorrow and the day after so i am spared having to come down, or at least i can work in the garage... . I am not so sure I want to face more aggravation, like this.
Thing about me is, I have none of the self-control that you teach each other, because i have no need for it, I do not have anything higher than me that I must bow down to, nor do I have anything that is beneath me that I must bend to. I f i am not doing something, then it is because i have not figured out all the angles and satisfied myself about what i want, and that means, woman, forget you formulae, forget everything and everybody, because there is no help there.
fcuk, you know,. or maybe you do not, that i would never harm you. I was heartsick to day when I saw that, after me outpouring of love, you had gone back to what you used to do, 'try to put me in a box'. Like I am supposed to behave or some such bullshit, and so, you were trying to see if, from YOUR armchair, I was going to jump when you yelled. I am wired different. I chose to walk away, and ignore you, and wonder at God, like, WTF? Because He and I share the same wavelength. I had given up on you, and was just on idle, neutral, because I was sure you had been lost to me, and, well, I NEVER lose, but I was accepting it, then, when you, seeing me walk past the... building, rushed out, ran into your car and drove after me, displaying everything I had told you you were. You can not bear to lose me, yet you try to hold the one person who can not abide any kind of chain. dont you think it is time you just faced the truth, and stopped fighting me, and just, accepted the ineluctable fact that you are dealing with someone whose standards, vision and goals are higher than yours and just stopped making my life so miserable!
fuck, i want to hold you in my arms, to caress you in every way, and just have you around with me. BUT I will NOT stop being what I am, the God Of War, simply because I am going to be cutting things close to your skin as well. This is me, accept it in totality, or for crying out loud, kiss a guy in front of me, or just hold his hands, and i will be free of you! fuck this!
hey mr officer leggo me hand
you dont know me and you dont understand...
I do not want to do this, because i see the path i am headed down. Fuck, if you have not heard my words before, then know this, woman, for some reason, the anger, the hopelesness whatever, I have lost the power to restrain myself. It is showing in my bouts of fury, in lashing out at anything that moves, in my increased levels of bellicosity. Truth is, I am caught between a rock and a hard place. i would rather just leave, but how can I? If I stay, I am going to kill you, that is for sure, because there is no way anyone would agree to MY terms in anything. trying to stop me is futile, because there is no one alive I listen to, not in these issues. So... I see me killing you. and having to live with it because I ... can not die. Of course, you could just walk ... INTO... my life, permanently, and maybe reduce the fallout, but heck, I am at present giving in to my personal autopilot:-
I have looked for reasons to stop from this, but heck, you, everyone around you, and many more, have all tried to ... correct me. Wrong button to press. Now, I am just rolling downhill, and smashing everything in my path. My ears are closed to everyone's pleas for mercy, because no one gave me any. So, everyone gets what they gave.
lets get dangerous!
