Ok, so I should be screaming mad, yes, because of what I found out, but then, the girl IS trying, and I am starting to feel a bit guilty for not doing what I finally did today when even vinnie saw that I was preoccupied, thinking very deeply. Thing is, I woke up feeling like chucking evrything down the drain, but when I came down, and found vinnie not yet down, I decided to bite the bullet and go face him at home, where at least there would be no cameras- that pisses me off, big time- and, well, we ended up going swimming -ah, yes, I must add that when I got off the train last night, the CRV was still parked where I had left it, and when I walked down to the one way, about to turn up to go to the mountain, I saw mr-posturing-for-effect, mr yellow-belly, mike townsend, holding court, standing at the counter outside his restaurant. I would have walked past, but I was curious, to see if the... well, if she was THERE. She was not, but the guy who "beat" me up was there, with his girlfriend or wife. Well, since the issue about the outcome of the one-sided fight was never decided, I think that I am going to accept the blatant challenge in the seating arrangements. So, we SHALL see who is the better fighter, and decide that, yes? Dude, you better get in shape, because when we do face up, you WILL die. That is a statement of ... fact. I am no pretender, which is why I ignored you when you greeted me this morning, and want it plain that I am going to tear you apart. Ok, I said I will try to be nice... I failed. I will just have to be... me, I guess.ok, so, woman how the FUCK do you reconcile havng your foot in both camps, ha? You have made me into a BIG fool. You WORK for mike? And you pretend on the surface to pay attention to what pleases me, when YOU are the one who can not make up your mind about things? Well, anyway, thanks for showing me what a piece of trash I really am to you! ........ . This is what happened; I came from the pool to find the CR-V parked across the road from the gallery -which till I... sort of.. explained to vinnie why I was lost in thought I assumed was on the whole floor, but he showed me where mike's offices were, and...- and I could not... understand... what was her deal. Anyway we set up shop, sat down to another disagreeable day of horror- did i mention that when I climbed the mountain last night i made noise that should have brought mountain rangers, but curiously did NOT?- and it was not long in coming. The little ma- I will STRANGLE her- decided I was probably confused about my - get it, MY - choice in women, and she was all day up and down, attracting my attention;- woman, take a look at that carpet rag skin you have between your nose and upper lip. Think I would really want to look at THAT first thing in the morning? Like what do I seem to be to you, a masochist? And you are fucking married, STRIKE 1), you THINK you know better than me what should happen, meaning you want to RUN my life,STRIKE 2),and ireally, really hate racists, STRIKE 3) all of which, or rather, ANY of which, gets you dead. So, how much deader you gotta be? Anyway,back to ms contemporary art, formerly, now miss apple, since she hides behind an apple computer. Ha, mike's apple, the apple of my eye. Wonder, even now, which it is- to her. Fuck, woman is scared of me. She waited till I went up to get the keys at vinnie's before she raced up to the harbour, and here I was, when I was walking back, seeing her rush to the harbour, and I am like, why not go openly. Think I will force you to be with me? Never. God explained to me when I would have forcibly taken this coloured chick, after my first failure, that I would have had to "bear" her for ten years
-meaning she would be a drag, because I would have had to... interfere... with the course of nature, set up MY own kind of law, just so I can get results, and me too lazy to even bother much about MY life, - duh, which means I will not be looking for more women after, because I am ABOUT to interfere with nature, in a BAD way, which is neither to MY personal benefit nor to that of any living creature, as it currently exists, sooo I will stick to... the women that are easily accessible NOW, before I am released from my chains, and then kill off everyone else not in south africa and zimbabwe that I personally approve of, and then, since I will be getting easy pussy, why should I look for more?)--, and that HE is a GOD of thin violence. Let me explain that, since I am at present facing losing you for ever, and I do not want it to be for lack of trying on my part. I love you, and what that means is I am completely incapable of hurting you, except maybe in words. Technically, when it comes to you, I would rather die than harm you. And i incline to the literal, meaning what i would rather NOT do, i can NOT do. I suppose it is a side effect of being a person who can THINK things and have them come into being, that I have personal limitations that keep me from moving to point B until point A is fully dealt with. So I can not begin killing till I have my own under my wing, ah, five of them, then i set my own stamp on the world and call the twenty that got the ball rolling, and then I kill off all those I do not want as witnesses. Which makes me wonder at the apple of my eye. Fuck, I never had softness from my own mother, but I can not lay a hand on her, because I saw that she STILL tried to give me a better life than I would have had than had she washed her hands of me. But still, I could NOT reciprocate her efforts because she really did NOT want to do that. Which is why my hands have been tied so far, while trying to find a way to pay BOTH debts. And here you are, a person I can read like a book, whose ... indecision I sense with every act of yours. You are not afraid if losing a livelihood with mike, you, woman are sick with worry that I would leave you. Your relief was almost palpable whenever I turned back to you. You do not have a ... problem... with obeying me, what you are afraid of is that I may decide you are not good enough. I. Love. You. Look at all the ... women I have put under the microscope, discarded and at times decided I would keep. To ... whom have I ... ever, always, meant those words? No One, thats WHO! You have seen how the mere sight of you calms me, and if you had your cameras trained on me the whole day, then you woukd have noticed how, every few moments, I was looking across the street, though I may have tried to hide it, to see if YOU had not become fed up with me, and walked off. I have, I confess, NO idea what kind of a world I would have if you were not in it. I am THAT scared of losing you. So, how would I even dream of tossing away even the least bit of attention you have shown me? Does that seem likely? Of course, I mean, those people I said will die, WILL die, that pissed me off, because that IS my nature, but I suppose I will ... try... not to display mike's head upstairs, because well, the... gallery had nothing to do with it... but all that depends on how the asshole behaves towards me, in the coming days, and if there IS a kid between the two of you, then said kid is also dead, because at present, I am not yet making sense of what is going on here, with these visions, and I am too lazy to figure out people one-vee-one, since my interest in life IS, as always too minimal for that but heck, if you can take all that in, then you will ... see... that I unreservedly... wish you would be mine, mine alone, for life. And i can not SAY that of anyone, at present.
