And, since I do not have to... worry... about having the silly woman in my life, because since last night I was looking for a way out, which she just a few moments ago provided, THEN I will wipe out every last memory of her from the earth, as well as re-instate the death clause on those I had, out of consideration to her, wanted to spare, yessssss!!! Last night, this morning, and about half an hour ago, I was up and down looking at the gallery and offices to see who was there, and I knew the impasse would not last, some fool would try to READ too much into my actions, draw their conclusions, and step out. She did. Now, this is the thing, I am a person who has absolutely NO trust in people, and am at pains to SAY what I like and do not likr, and yesterday was a heavy day for me, because i was weighing everything candidly, realising that no matter which way I looked, there is NO win for me. After I wrote of the lighthouse thing, I belatedly grasped something that I stated the wrong way. In that vision, I had been lying down when I saw God, and He was to the left of me, showing me His left side, meaning that, as I linked it with the song of my restlessness, He knew as well as I did how painful it was to be... left. This is the reason He involved Himself in whatever you may call, euphemistically, my "love" life, and went so far as to say, "I wont let you fall" when I would have given butthead's mom her son's life back after him pissing me off. I do NOT negotiate, not anymore. So people die. Of course, I have reached a stage in my life where someone mattered a great deal more than I ever thought possible, so, I will mourn her, of course, and still kill her, take myself away, and do what I must, in the remaining years, and seek my own peace after..... . This is what the woman did;- and now that I know what sense the "violation" was to take, ah, well, how the... fuck can i spare her mother?anyway, I am putting the cart before the horse. I went to church, almost against my will, and had a Chinese crew with us... normal people. Now, I have an open mind, and when, yesterday I was being counselled about anger issues, I tried to think about it, before concluding stuff. And I understood that I have great anger issues, but MY anger can produce damages out of proportion to its... nature. But when i found the chinese congregated, I understood the ... source... of my counsel. And rejected it out of hand. But came out rather sad, because I never applied for this, but now, the life of every living creature is in my hand, and irrevocably so. I would have wanted to have the woman with me, but i never force anyone to do as I wish, and now, well, she either saw me wolfing down food- I am profoundly depressed, and literally feel hollow inside, so I try to fill the gap with food, funnily enough when thinking of her- or saw how I was looking at the windows, and decided I was back in her thrall, and she drove up, parked at outspan parking, and, with a slender wedding ring on her hand, walked right past me, as I sat with vinnie, and obnoxious tony. I had made allowances for her, concluding that she probably had a son, and was wondering whether she was worth it still for all that, and found that it did not matter much, provided she was not involved with the guy when she decided to have her nose in my business, but that is all academic, now. Which brings me to this point:- Well, Most High God, Abba, Father, I have no idea what to do now, but one thing I know is that there is no longer a reason for me to remain here. You caused me to leave home on the "turkey" promise, and, well, I see no need for me not to build my escape ship. I am dead inside, and can not bear this burden anymore, this heavy life. I MUST leave, to seek ... relative... peace. Those I said will die, well, they die, and i go, and leave such as pleased me, before this. Fuck, I hoped for her to be my companion, but I can not stand this humikiation anymore. Silly woman thinks that, because I sit in the streets, listen ti reggae music, and switch moods easily, I am a fool, and she has no respect for me, but only flees my anger. How could I bear to have someone of her limited mental capacity, completely incapable of self-criticism, anywhere near me for any length of time before I kill her? Fuck, this is too much! Stop blocking me and let me unleash my fury on her and all these fools, that i may not have them taunt me anymore. This has to END!!!! I WILL KILL THESE FOOLS,
NOW!!!
