I did not even want to come to the internet, but then, brian started playing music by nicholas zacharia. now, I myself am partial to dancehall, and some of his slow grooves in reggae I dig, but when some of the museve songs come to my ear, well, lets just say that torture of the mind starts. And I have a very particular mind when it comes to torture.
So, I have nothing NEW to say. Which is why I have decided to point out something that was said along time ago, but which well, SHOULD start making sense right about now.So, there is this vision, where I am at my grandfather's place, which I visited in 2006, before leaving home, apparently, I did not know it was for good, and I was in the mood to help God as much as possible make a fool of me, because I went to say "goodbye" to my grandfather, telling him, gravely, that I was going to turkey. funny thing, he called everyone of his grandchildren by name, but ME He always called "Mr Mashora", even from an early age, like he saw something that I could not see. Whether that was a sign of respect or not, I do not know, but another thing I want to point out, is that when I went to see him, I WALKED all the way. from Gweru to chiwundura, and it was when I was off the main road that goes from harare to Bulawayo, and I had entered the forest, I felt a sort of 'freedom' and I felt a bit of that fleeting freedom that (well, call me nuts, but there it is) I saw wulverine in the cartoon X-Men (The Series) breathing when he was in the mountains, the rockies i think and he said, as he ran away from the tangled knot where cyclops and jean grey were involving him "Ah, it feels good to be home!", and well, I felt that, but I knew it was transient. I was looking for rest, and I did not belong. It was clearly time to leave, time to go, and I had nowhere to call my own.
Funny thing about cyclops and jean grey, that, because i am getting into it. cyclops, ONE Eye, the One Who Sees, El-Roi... maybe the OVERSEER, and the woman that the bowl of rage, wulverine, wanted to rip from him. Do you get the picture yet?
Oh, I have not yet uploaded this, so I will do so now, and then yo can digest that while i carry on with my... story, about my visit to a place i shopuld have called my own but which had no room for me.
Chiwundura, the 'place that plucks the feathers' as its name means, because it is so cold.
Now, my grandfather's homestead is if you are coming from above, since it is built in a slope, situated thus. You come first to the toilet, the blair kind, with the bathroom adjacent to it, and then his bedroom just a bit below. then there is to the extreme right of you, a bit below that, the cooking hut of the first wife, my grandmother, that he had.Traditionally, if the wife dies, another has to have her own hut also built and my second grandmother, who had a big ass and whom everyone hated, except me, because well, the guy wanted a companion and it was his choice to have a woman if he so wished, and so i liked her, and maybe, she liked me as well, because we got on well, and anyway, she had a hut of her own, which was placed in the middle of the compound, to the left of you if you have not moved from your vantage point as you let your eyes swoop and take in the whole scenario I am trying to paint. Then, at the end of the clearing, in an approximate straight line, was the house of the last born son, another round, mud hut, his sleeping quarters, and his name was daniel. Now, my grandfather liked english names, and the names of his kids were almost all english, like artwell thadeous, my father, who had his impressive house built a bit off from the rest but approximately beneath daniel's and then, violet, my aunt who had her own four corner BRICK hut just beneath the middle round hut of my assy granny number ii, and after her was davison, who moved out of the parental homestead to take over the house built by my real granny's firstborn with another man, justin's father, who left chiwundura for hurungwe when he learned that he was NOT my grandfather's real child, hence the ill-treatment.( Goes to show just how impossible it IS to be a surrogate father, truth always come out) Then there was hlupo robert, the soldier, the uncle i really liked whose death left a gaping hole in me. he built HIS own homestead even further in the country, near the chief's homestead, and when he dies, the place fell to ruins. It seems a rule of thumb in my family, except with my father, that when a man gets a son, and builds a house, or gets a homestead, his days are numbered, he dies soon after. Anyway, both davison and h.r are dead, and then there were the other guy, the success story of the family called fanickson. he took the surname of Dube, a totem thing, like my father took on Mutasa, because of the zebra connotations, and he is still alive, two daughters one boy, and his marriage is a joke. then there was the odd one out, among the boys, the driver uncle who committed suicide by hanging after MY spectacular failure, because he was paralysed after a car accident, anesu, whose name means, "with us", and that traditionally meant "God- with-Us", see. He had his own homestead, and had a boy, and then died soon after, and i was blamed for it. And all i wanted to do was leave home and ... DIE, without anyone noticing my shame. And I failed. I mean, hanging IS a sure fire way of dying, you know, but then, so are slitting your wrists, contracting hiv , taking an overdose of sleeping tablets and all those things i tried, and failed to do, even getting stabbed in the neck should have worked. It did not.
Anyway, anesu came before fanickson, and fanickson was till I came along, the success story of the family, academically, and then i aced every record of his, and then deliberately, to my mothers hurt, even now, flunked my A levels. No one thinks i did it on purpose. they thought I was a precocious kid that had the fluke go away. Doesnt help to say that I solved the Goldbach Conjecture, because i have nothing to show for it.
Anyway, between fanickson and daniel is another girl, called sithembile, and she is married to some asshole that stole the money i wanted to send with him to my mom when we were staying near each other in strand, in broadlands village, and I was earning my notches as a big ugly crazy guy working for mr e.j. van der merwe, aka brother.
Then after daniel is the last born, another girl, called kudzai, and she is in australia. i hate her. She hates my mom.
Ok, that is the family, but let is focus on the geography, since that is what matters at this moment, and you should know that we are dealing with a vision that took place in that homestead, not IN it but well, afterwards, here, when I ... fuck, it seemed to take place there, and i have tried to be as lucid as possible and include as mush detail as i can, so that you get the drift. violet, my aunt, also had beef with my mom, well, because she was probably cuckolding my father, and then, they all hated a woman who had kids elsewhere and wondered why my dad was with her to begin with. no one ever bothered to ask HIM about it, because they assumed he was too dumb for it. Anyway, this aunt of mine, violet, who I got along with, and who is the last person i saw before leaving home, has a daughter, that i liked and also, weirdly got along with, and her name was tsungai. She never had a father, because my aunt reportedly ran away from the marriage, and decided to keep the child herself which is why she built for herself a hut at her father's house. Keep note, these two characters play a major role.Mmm, let me read what I wrote so far
Now, in this vision, I was in the house. My second granny's. Unlike in real life where it has a door that faces only west, it had three doors, one that faced the first wife's door, which was east, and then one that was facing... south, or above.
Then there was my sister. My father's firstborn. her name is 'chenesai', meaning, "make clean". She was wearing make-up. eyeshadow, grey ( maybe a sign of mourning) and she had... get this.. a mini, and I was like, what are you up to, and she was ignoring me and then I got a wooden rule and she waited as i walked out and then she shut the door on me and then she went and she lay at this hard, narrow wooden bench the kind that we have in these huts and covered herself in a blanket, and I went, and i came in by the higher door, and then I stood by the fireplace and it had glowing coals that were not even in contact, and i saw, clearly two of them that started glowing, and there was NO fire whatsoever, until I said, in despair, "no one is going to believe this" and then I threw a green tree about this small- OK, no jokes, about knee high- a GREEN tree right into the fire, green bark, green short roots like claws, and round little weird leaves that all were like some pruned shrub of the garden, not a normal tree, everything all... funny, ( green, jealousy?) and it burst into flame. And the girl stood up, and her mini was exposed, but she was NOT looking at me as i stood with my arms folded to myself, she was looking to the west looking door, towards my FATHER's house and she made no move, because as she stood there, i followed her gaze and there was my aunt, only she appeared taller than her daughter who stood also, but facing a bit in MY direction, but a bit lower, like midsection high, like .... there... and while the daughter was sort of standing with her hips ... thrust... a bit towards me, the rest of her , from waist up, was bending towards her mom, so that the mom COULD be said to be reading her thoughts, if one chose to look at it like that. then, of course, the mom went, the only word I COULD make out, "conclusion?", and then spoke some more words that I only know where of comfort to the girl. Although from the set of her lips she did NOT like what she was saying, and then she then almost shyly, my cousin, tsungai mercy mashora ( first name meaning be strong) decided to ... hold out her right hand towards what they were staring at, and then, my sister, with a sort of disbelieving smile, decided to walk, in her mini, towards me, and as she approached I sort of came towards her and went behind her, and I held her by her stomach, and then I walked like that behind her, and then as we came out, we were not just outside in the homestead but outside the entrance to happy valley home at lunch time, because there was this container, which they use to clean dirty dishes, and i remember saying the words to this popular song, "have i told you lately, that i love you?" and she was bending, but though she ought to have carried me, she was too short, and all I did as that happened-eh, by that time i had sort of divided persons, because I was looking from another vantage point as I watched the lower, main entrance that was between my aunt's brick hut and my father's one- was bend with her, and cover her... privates from a person who would see from behind us, if any such happened to pass by,and she looked first up at me, the me that was now observing me and my sister bending down, as i looked at her, and then down to see her face as she beheld... the water. In my eyes i saw, as I bent with her, a distant look, like that look they call the thousand yard stare. Then, there is this guy called elroy, a coloured guy whose task was to take bread and give it to the people outside happy valley. he was also an ousider. As i looked at the gate, he walked by, with a baleful look up at me, like some other guy gave me when i went and testified against some other coloured who broke in to happy valley home, and i caught him in the act, and later apprehended him in broad daylight and then had him sent to prison, and this other guy, shorter than me but called 'longers' because he was so thin, gave me that look, like, i wanted to get you, but there is nothing to do about it. that frustrated look. the look of a defeated man, Gate closed to him.
He passed by, from right to left.
elroy. the overseer. Guy who wants to place himself in the middle.
Should be clear to you, my love.After all, only YOU can really fill in the dots.
i can NOT leave, I can NOT die, and if I left where do I get water. i would have to come back.
I WILL come back. And I would NEVER, ever hurt you.
Maybe it is time you realised that i speak the... truth.
There is NOTHING like me in existence.
I can not die.
I love you and would never hurt you. Not that way. Never. And you can NOT keep me, as a friend to this guy who wants to be a guardian to you, because i would kill him. I have to go to just STOP killing the people you love, and that is a big concession. this place is NOT home to me. I can not be KEPT by you. I have to do this so that people that matter to me do NOT end up in hell. I am going to KILL people, and the ONLY thing that keeps them alive is NOT any kind of other power, but MY forbearance, and that MEANS not being in contact with the people.
Do you get that?
this is for real.If he gets in my way, I will kill him. If you care about him, then get him OUT of my way, or he dies, because he is going to suffer anyway. you are NOT a little girl, and if it is any consolation, I have never loved anyone before, and while you may NOT be the first woman i have had, you would be the ONLY one I ever wanted, Before, all i have focused on is death. MINE. I have given up because i CAN NOT die. You do not NEED a guradian, and we are two mutually excvlusive forces that, if we come head to head, will end up destroying whatever peace you hope to achieve. Let me put it this way, everyone in this world i consider an enemy EXCEPT you, and i will bear you even with all you have done because you matter, but I can NEVER forget wjhat happened before, and well, if you do NOT want me to become very, very unstable, just see me for what i am, and deal with it .
Because it is real.Even if it seems like a nightmare.
Now, I love you, and well, I still will probably leave without you because , as I said what you did left me with NO leg to stand on. I do not know if I can call you mine or not.
So, I have nothing NEW to say. Which is why I have decided to point out something that was said along time ago, but which well, SHOULD start making sense right about now.So, there is this vision, where I am at my grandfather's place, which I visited in 2006, before leaving home, apparently, I did not know it was for good, and I was in the mood to help God as much as possible make a fool of me, because I went to say "goodbye" to my grandfather, telling him, gravely, that I was going to turkey. funny thing, he called everyone of his grandchildren by name, but ME He always called "Mr Mashora", even from an early age, like he saw something that I could not see. Whether that was a sign of respect or not, I do not know, but another thing I want to point out, is that when I went to see him, I WALKED all the way. from Gweru to chiwundura, and it was when I was off the main road that goes from harare to Bulawayo, and I had entered the forest, I felt a sort of 'freedom' and I felt a bit of that fleeting freedom that (well, call me nuts, but there it is) I saw wulverine in the cartoon X-Men (The Series) breathing when he was in the mountains, the rockies i think and he said, as he ran away from the tangled knot where cyclops and jean grey were involving him "Ah, it feels good to be home!", and well, I felt that, but I knew it was transient. I was looking for rest, and I did not belong. It was clearly time to leave, time to go, and I had nowhere to call my own.
Funny thing about cyclops and jean grey, that, because i am getting into it. cyclops, ONE Eye, the One Who Sees, El-Roi... maybe the OVERSEER, and the woman that the bowl of rage, wulverine, wanted to rip from him. Do you get the picture yet?
Oh, I have not yet uploaded this, so I will do so now, and then yo can digest that while i carry on with my... story, about my visit to a place i shopuld have called my own but which had no room for me.
Chiwundura, the 'place that plucks the feathers' as its name means, because it is so cold.
Anyway, anesu came before fanickson, and fanickson was till I came along, the success story of the family, academically, and then i aced every record of his, and then deliberately, to my mothers hurt, even now, flunked my A levels. No one thinks i did it on purpose. they thought I was a precocious kid that had the fluke go away. Doesnt help to say that I solved the Goldbach Conjecture, because i have nothing to show for it.
Anyway, between fanickson and daniel is another girl, called sithembile, and she is married to some asshole that stole the money i wanted to send with him to my mom when we were staying near each other in strand, in broadlands village, and I was earning my notches as a big ugly crazy guy working for mr e.j. van der merwe, aka brother.
Then after daniel is the last born, another girl, called kudzai, and she is in australia. i hate her. She hates my mom.
Ok, that is the family, but let is focus on the geography, since that is what matters at this moment, and you should know that we are dealing with a vision that took place in that homestead, not IN it but well, afterwards, here, when I ... fuck, it seemed to take place there, and i have tried to be as lucid as possible and include as mush detail as i can, so that you get the drift. violet, my aunt, also had beef with my mom, well, because she was probably cuckolding my father, and then, they all hated a woman who had kids elsewhere and wondered why my dad was with her to begin with. no one ever bothered to ask HIM about it, because they assumed he was too dumb for it. Anyway, this aunt of mine, violet, who I got along with, and who is the last person i saw before leaving home, has a daughter, that i liked and also, weirdly got along with, and her name was tsungai. She never had a father, because my aunt reportedly ran away from the marriage, and decided to keep the child herself which is why she built for herself a hut at her father's house. Keep note, these two characters play a major role.Mmm, let me read what I wrote so far
Now, in this vision, I was in the house. My second granny's. Unlike in real life where it has a door that faces only west, it had three doors, one that faced the first wife's door, which was east, and then one that was facing... south, or above.
Then there was my sister. My father's firstborn. her name is 'chenesai', meaning, "make clean". She was wearing make-up. eyeshadow, grey ( maybe a sign of mourning) and she had... get this.. a mini, and I was like, what are you up to, and she was ignoring me and then I got a wooden rule and she waited as i walked out and then she shut the door on me and then she went and she lay at this hard, narrow wooden bench the kind that we have in these huts and covered herself in a blanket, and I went, and i came in by the higher door, and then I stood by the fireplace and it had glowing coals that were not even in contact, and i saw, clearly two of them that started glowing, and there was NO fire whatsoever, until I said, in despair, "no one is going to believe this" and then I threw a green tree about this small- OK, no jokes, about knee high- a GREEN tree right into the fire, green bark, green short roots like claws, and round little weird leaves that all were like some pruned shrub of the garden, not a normal tree, everything all... funny, ( green, jealousy?) and it burst into flame. And the girl stood up, and her mini was exposed, but she was NOT looking at me as i stood with my arms folded to myself, she was looking to the west looking door, towards my FATHER's house and she made no move, because as she stood there, i followed her gaze and there was my aunt, only she appeared taller than her daughter who stood also, but facing a bit in MY direction, but a bit lower, like midsection high, like .... there... and while the daughter was sort of standing with her hips ... thrust... a bit towards me, the rest of her , from waist up, was bending towards her mom, so that the mom COULD be said to be reading her thoughts, if one chose to look at it like that. then, of course, the mom went, the only word I COULD make out, "conclusion?", and then spoke some more words that I only know where of comfort to the girl. Although from the set of her lips she did NOT like what she was saying, and then she then almost shyly, my cousin, tsungai mercy mashora ( first name meaning be strong) decided to ... hold out her right hand towards what they were staring at, and then, my sister, with a sort of disbelieving smile, decided to walk, in her mini, towards me, and as she approached I sort of came towards her and went behind her, and I held her by her stomach, and then I walked like that behind her, and then as we came out, we were not just outside in the homestead but outside the entrance to happy valley home at lunch time, because there was this container, which they use to clean dirty dishes, and i remember saying the words to this popular song, "have i told you lately, that i love you?" and she was bending, but though she ought to have carried me, she was too short, and all I did as that happened-eh, by that time i had sort of divided persons, because I was looking from another vantage point as I watched the lower, main entrance that was between my aunt's brick hut and my father's one- was bend with her, and cover her... privates from a person who would see from behind us, if any such happened to pass by,and she looked first up at me, the me that was now observing me and my sister bending down, as i looked at her, and then down to see her face as she beheld... the water. In my eyes i saw, as I bent with her, a distant look, like that look they call the thousand yard stare. Then, there is this guy called elroy, a coloured guy whose task was to take bread and give it to the people outside happy valley. he was also an ousider. As i looked at the gate, he walked by, with a baleful look up at me, like some other guy gave me when i went and testified against some other coloured who broke in to happy valley home, and i caught him in the act, and later apprehended him in broad daylight and then had him sent to prison, and this other guy, shorter than me but called 'longers' because he was so thin, gave me that look, like, i wanted to get you, but there is nothing to do about it. that frustrated look. the look of a defeated man, Gate closed to him.
He passed by, from right to left.
elroy. the overseer. Guy who wants to place himself in the middle.
Should be clear to you, my love.After all, only YOU can really fill in the dots.
i can NOT leave, I can NOT die, and if I left where do I get water. i would have to come back.
I WILL come back. And I would NEVER, ever hurt you.
Maybe it is time you realised that i speak the... truth.
There is NOTHING like me in existence.
I can not die.
I love you and would never hurt you. Not that way. Never. And you can NOT keep me, as a friend to this guy who wants to be a guardian to you, because i would kill him. I have to go to just STOP killing the people you love, and that is a big concession. this place is NOT home to me. I can not be KEPT by you. I have to do this so that people that matter to me do NOT end up in hell. I am going to KILL people, and the ONLY thing that keeps them alive is NOT any kind of other power, but MY forbearance, and that MEANS not being in contact with the people.
Do you get that?
this is for real.If he gets in my way, I will kill him. If you care about him, then get him OUT of my way, or he dies, because he is going to suffer anyway. you are NOT a little girl, and if it is any consolation, I have never loved anyone before, and while you may NOT be the first woman i have had, you would be the ONLY one I ever wanted, Before, all i have focused on is death. MINE. I have given up because i CAN NOT die. You do not NEED a guradian, and we are two mutually excvlusive forces that, if we come head to head, will end up destroying whatever peace you hope to achieve. Let me put it this way, everyone in this world i consider an enemy EXCEPT you, and i will bear you even with all you have done because you matter, but I can NEVER forget wjhat happened before, and well, if you do NOT want me to become very, very unstable, just see me for what i am, and deal with it .
Because it is real.Even if it seems like a nightmare.
Now, I love you, and well, I still will probably leave without you because , as I said what you did left me with NO leg to stand on. I do not know if I can call you mine or not.
