The Dragonfly

God called me a dragonfly the one time, and that was when I had made up my mind that I did not want that... woman... that I lived with, that had a son, and yet, just to spite my mother, I stuck with her.
A dragonfly is born in water, and yet, even when it has reached adult stage, is no longer a lavae, and has grown wings and can not stay in the water anymore, it still tries to ... go back, and spends hours hovering over the water, as if to... go back in.
Today, I had an undeniably illuminating example of my go-back nature, and found out that there IS a person that has not only the power to 'stop me in my tracks', but also to show me that she means a whole lot more to me than any ... revenge.
And for once in my life, I have seen where I am... wrong..., and I ... humble... myself to... apologise... for almost wrecking for myself a chance at... happiness.
I wish I knew her name, at least, though, but she STILL is the apple of my eye, and I suppose I will NOT try to change her. She SEEMS to like black, at that.

I woke up, went to kalk bay, and the song by janet jackson with the lyrics "afraid to fall in love/ afraid to love so fast/coz everytime I fall in love it never seems to last" were  playing over and over in my head, and I assumed-without justification, of course, since God's focus has NOT changed from me to anyone else, just so that everyone knows - that He was speaking of her.
I just went ahead and was ... nasty... to people. From the obnoxious guard to the gallery woman with her bakkie, which I deliberately muddied as I watered the lawn.
no one was... foolish ... enough to try to stop me.
because, technically, while I may not be 100% ... well... right, I DO have 100% the might to bring sudden, complete, utter destruction on people, and so do not take kindly to being ... opposed, whether someone thinks he or she has a right to do so. In other words, for the next 7 years, the world is in the hands of a person who balls his fist first and thinks about it later. A guy with a temper. With UNLIMITED control. Just so you know.

Now, my problem with people is this, I do not like peoplemaking assumptions on me that have no basis, and then thinking we share the same blanket or something. Or that I am a needy person. You know, it was only after I had written that sarcastic piece about me being 'jealous' of people with money that I figured out that that is probably waht an asshole like mike thinks.
i mean, fuck, it is ALL in the air at the moment HOW, for example, I am going to go to the US, and I have no REAL qualms about killing people, but I DID leave home to go to the US, and NOW,more than ever, I have to go, because I was NEVER interested in staying here, but I suppose I was ... looking... for love, someone to share my life with, someone to make me... happy, but I would LIKE it very much if people stayed OUT of my business, because I honestly HATE people, and do not like interference. I am antisocial, and I intend to keep it that way, see?
So, fools, if you want to bank on it being about your ... money... mike, then I ... suppose I could destroy the entire world economy and make that very commodity as useless in reality as it is in my sight. Stay OUT of my sight, fool, or I will KILL you the next time I even ... see... you.

GET that loud and clear, or else...! 


Anyway, the asshole mike showed up, after I was getting bored with the lack of... bold people that could or would try to put me to the test. 
And I glared at him.
And vinnie was showing up at that moment, and saw it all, and he, like you all, maybe, assumed that it was because I was jealous of mike who has this chick that i am, as he later put it when she showed up to kick me in the balls, calling mine when she is involved with other guys.
That hurt. Bad. Because I could not explain to him that it is the other way around, that these people will NOT leave me alone but will always try to impose their wills on me, like I owe it to them or something to behave in a certain way when all I want to be, all I can be, is MYSELF!Woman, I love you, true, but please, get it into your head that I am NOTHING like the bottled-up picture of me you want to make out. I really can NOT stand seeing you walking with some other guy, and your doing it to try to... bring me to my knees ... or something... just makes me ... MAD, and I hate being gloated over by some fool that thinks, "well, I can stick my finger in his nose and he will do nothing because he loves this woman. There is ONLY so much I can take, and it is ONLY because at this moment I am still unsure of myself that I am sort of just letting things ride, but I do NOT like that. DO NOT attempt to make me over. If YOUR life is perfect, then you can try to sort out mine, otherwise, stop your nonsense, or I will KILL everyone around you that you use in that manner.

I had no idea what the 'compromising situations' that God was on and on about were until today, when I realised that my lack of cohesiveness lay with the fact that everytime I mix my mother with stuff, I- not necessarily anyone else- go into a deep gloom about everything, and sort of shut off even reason and just start thinking destructively. Iwould have the facts, but my reasoning would be flawed by my ... auto-destruct-default-mode... and it has taken for me a conscious effort to acknowledge that this dragonfly has to fly away, and not seek to return home anymore.

i never could handle my mother's ... aura... when I was there before, and I am a bit too set in MY thinking to ever be flexible, so I know that if I could not handle her THEN, I can not handle her now. I would fall apart when I see her, just like always. So, I will NOT bother going there.

This is "Gumboy" the king of shanko, or maybe the image is not as good as what I usually walk around as, with my teeth showing, angry with everything. Let me get a better picture:-



OK, THAT is probably what I look like most of the time, and I suppose I do not have to wonder now why my mother always wanted me to keep my mouth shut. I suppose some of that anger shows through.
Anyway, my plan is to, sort of, go to the US, and I am NOT sure what to do about people that have displeased me.
I suppose my one fear has always been that someone would laugh at me and mock me for taking his leavings, which is why I had planned on killing off all those that were involved with any woman that I was to be ... doomed... to end up with -call me mr-positive, huh?- but I guess the ONE thing that I have always wanted was a woman who had no such previous baggage to hold her back. Then I would not have to worry about either her comparing my holding her, my dick, my sleeping manner in bed, my early morning customs, my body, my ... everything... with whoever was with her before me, (which is bad enough) as WELL as some asshole on the side saying, fuck, she used to cry out my name when I was in her, or some such thing.   
All I wanted was someone who would just have me as her first and only ... real-close... man.
If that CAN be the case, I will go easy on everyone.
Otherwise, if the one I designated as the only woman that I can stand-though at times I ask myself why:-she seems to think the world MUST revolve around her- is NOT the one that fits that bill, then, hell, I would rather be alone.
I am NOT interested in any more, so, the next silly woman to think she knows better than me what a vision meant or whatever, and tries to insturct me will get a bolt of lightning straight between the eyes, because I will NOT tolerate any more nonsense from you fools. OK?

This is what happened after. A while after mike had come and gone, I was sitting with my back to the... main road... when she walked past, right in front of me. She did not look at me, but she was in that black open-at-the-thighs dress - which was, predictably, AFTER peaches of her ass had passed by and I had paid her no attention whatsoever, though she made herself so very visible- and a wedding ring, and a strained face,no less, and she walked with a rather unsteady step right into the building, and I watched and turned back to what I was doing. What could I say. I had given up on her, and that, technically, has NOT changed, because the silly fool also thinks she knows better than me what should be, and still thinks she is a guardian of mine, when the obvious logical progression would have been, if GOD intended me and her to be equal, then He would have included her in His plans or given her her own share, or something. That He did not should be proof enough that she and I are NOT and will never be, equals, so, if she has wishes of what she thinks I should be, she should dump them in some bin or something, because the maverick knows NO advisers, and the only one I listen to because I know that He cares about my life and in Him I can ultimately trust, and not worry about being as aggresive as possible in abusing that trust to get to the bottom of things, is God, and aside from Him, I have no place in my... soul... for any living person.the Bond i have with Him is one that I do not have to ask or worry about. It is part of my makeup, has always been, which is why I was not ... surprised... when He showed up, and so, no one can have such a... deep... grip on me.
So, whatever else any of you little insects may think, I... can never think or see as you do, so dont rate me as yourselves.
Or I will kill you all
Anyway, she seemed to realise that she was NOT getting any readings from me, because I was going gloomy anyway, and the sky remained overcast, and abisha, who kept looking at me time after time, was wondering who had walked by... again... to make me upset.
So, she came out with this other asshole that I had seen only once before, or twice, and walked into the bakery, and then came out again, and this time, I was staring at her to tell her what I felt, if she should look at me.
She did not, and vinnie, ever the peace maker, trying maybe for the future of his business to make friends with 'people with money' greeted her, called after her, and she responded, while I stared at her thinking, murder.
Then the ribbing started, and when shirley came, abisha put me to the sword, and so, I got up, and was going to look her in the eye, and tell her I was going to kill her.
I was standing across the road, glaring at the office, and she...
Fuck!

She STOOD up, at her terminal, and stared down at me, and it was like I was hit by a bolt right between the eyes, because I could not say anything.
She was standing like a school-child before her teacher, sort of fatalistically expectant, at least that is what came to mind, and everything just melted away, and I walked away.
And sat, in turmoil.
Realising that I was afraid to lose this woman.
that I loved this woman and wanted to keep her for myself.
that I did not like being caused so much pain by her.
And I wondered what was wrong in me. With me, with her, was there an 'US' in this,or was this just another horror story?
Does she ...love ... ME?

chicks that romance me
dont tickle my fancy...

most of these girls
they confusing me
dont know if they really love me
or just abusing me...