it is not impatience,it is despair, that makes me give up, give in very easily, and so, when I am told, or have the words of the song by aliyah quoted to me, "if at first you do not succeed, dust yourself off and try again", I flare up at God, and I am like, "You Asshole "- raelly, apple of my eye, you should please,please, give up, for my sake, the thought that I and God would ever be bossom buddies, I mean, think about it, do you think that my opinion of God will ever change even in a million years? He did not, in my view, do me any favours, and that is not an idle opinion- "Is THIS why you have me labour day and night and just comment and deflate every attempt of mine You... #@#*!" and then, after a while, I sort of just get up and carry on with life, and I start thinking, because i spent the whole day and I did not see the one I love.
Which is a bad thing in one sense, but overall, I think not so bad.
Ok, let us both think about this, because "[I] may want to throw it all away, [you] may be shy on the first day what about the next day, ah, ah"
Well, the woman has a ... point. Would I play a role or be myself.
And what is ...myself?
OK, this is what I have revealed to you about myself, something that you already KNOW, and what else I may know about you based on what had me so hesitant about stuff, OK?
One, I well, have NO reason to even THINK I could hold you in my arms, because technically, I am not FIT... to have you as a wife unless I... hate you, and could infect you, yes?
And I love you, and well, in case you are wondering, even if you say 'no' to me, I am going to respect that, because, since yesterday, it has mattered to me a great deal that you be... yourself, at ease, with me, because for once in my life, I really would only ever be happy in... life... if I could make you smile, and not be unhappy.
Ok, well,so, I will not harm anyone from your family, fact, I will TRY not to harm anyone at all, if they respect the fact that I really do not like being interfered with, that their opinions REALLY mean absolutely NOTHING to me, and I would hate very much to be contradicted by fools whose lives I can literally squash without a second thought, and who I will only spare on a technicality, that they are kin to you.
Which is what I actually wanted to point out to mr funny-pants when he walked past me early in the morning, but then, i guess everyone's terror levels are at present very... high ... from my recent exhibitions that i ... think... for this once, I will overlook that and say that maybe they were just being curious as to the sudden change.
so, let us think about it, and that funny enough, is what the 'five' is all about, five right fingers, "pent"- right, think right, see as things are, not subjectively, but objectively.
Listen, I know you have tried to exploit my interest in cars to get me interested in you, but you just being "you", as unreasonable and as in-my-face as you are sometimes, really makes my day.
I have never, ever, honestly enjoyed the sight and acts of anyone as i do yours, and well, I would not change you for the world. I like you, amazing as you are, because I do not want you in a straight-jacket.
I ... love... you.
You, the woman that showed how near her sleeves your heart is, how easily you revealed it when I hurt you, that I started caring that I did not step all over you.
Would you not want to do the same for me, I mean, let me find the measure of ... peace... that would make my life less of a strain than it is now?
technically, you are all that is holding me here, in kalk bay, and while I may say that I want to just go even if you do not want me, I would be lying; I want you, and I am prepared to stay as long as it takes to win you over.
I do not intend to bully you, you have a zest for life I do not have, and you have shown that you have no respect for any boundaries I may set. Good. I love that, because you are no pushover, no docile follow-the-leader. Since this leader has 90% of his feet in the grave anyway, what can I tell you to do that is not based in despair.
you are the light of my life, and when I say that I love you and you mean everything to me, I am just stating an honest , unbelievably consistent truth to you.
I would be glad to make you glad every day of my life, because I am caught up in that smile of yours, and the first time I ever noticed that you were dead serious when it came to me was that day we made eye contact, after I had written that I give up on you, and you were driving past where I stood with sydney, chewing gum- which, incidentally, is when I really noticed your chin, and started falling for you- I mean, you with your hands on the steering wheel, and glancing at me and then shrugging your shoulders to indicate that you did not know what the guy's problem was, and then you drove off the road, into the pavement and passed me by with a wan, defeated smile, and I was like, "Oh, my God!
I even remember what you were wearing.
At least, the checkered shirt that you had inside the black top, that had one collar a bit... askew... like you had not dressed in a peaceful frame of mind. It was not that cold a day, and I looked at you but was forced back by the ring.Black jeans and ... yes... that top had a skirt thing (ah, when I said I would not try to change you, please bear in mind that those legs are MINE, and for MY viewing pleasure only, thank you very much) and boots up to your knees. Am I correct?
your face, your actions, spoke volumes, and I was like, well, if you are married, how can you be so... into ... me like that, I mean, that is crazy!
How could you live with yourself if you showed your heart so openly and then had to go and face some other dude?
you have no idea how much of a relief it has been to ... eh... see where you are coming from.
you had no need for subterfuge with me.
I have never met someone that has blown me out of my mind as you have, and well, I ... know... that you may not think that I am, but I am really, really, really afraid of not coming any closer to you than i am now.
You are a dream, the best ever, come true.
And I would love to tell you that to your face, if I could get you to come out and give me that chance.
I am so helpless when you smile!
OK, so I am an angry person, and God's way of introducing Himself to me has NOT made me a fan of His, much less as i had to work it backwards to find out that He had ... fixed... things so that I can not die, and so, I have been very, very afraid of being open and upfront about myself since He could very well just seal me up in a tomb, and I have no escape.
I live in constant fear of that one thing, and I can never trust anything from Him, because He is never open and to the point with me.
I could not handle anyone else in my life who is like that, which is why I would rather have you, a person I did not have to go out of my way to try to figure out, and yet, I can not deny the fact that I have an unfair advantage over everyone else, and well, what would happen if someday I was pushed too far, and I snapped, if you want me to remain here.
I had to run away from the smart chick's mother, mr funny-pants, the smart chick and her duck like friend, as well as red-breeches, just as I predicted.
What if, one day, I am NOT in a mood to budge?
hell, please, I am suffering here!
I NEED to be a bully and go to the US, and remain online, in everyone's face for these seven years, and, well, change people so that I become just an 'academic' and do not have to demonstrate to them what I can do to them or what CAN happen to them.
i think THIS is the time for reason to prevail over chaos, over darkness, so I can depart with no regrets... well, not many.
Will you let me?
Which is a bad thing in one sense, but overall, I think not so bad.
Ok, let us both think about this, because "[I] may want to throw it all away, [you] may be shy on the first day what about the next day, ah, ah"
And what is ...myself?
OK, this is what I have revealed to you about myself, something that you already KNOW, and what else I may know about you based on what had me so hesitant about stuff, OK?
One, I well, have NO reason to even THINK I could hold you in my arms, because technically, I am not FIT... to have you as a wife unless I... hate you, and could infect you, yes?
And I love you, and well, in case you are wondering, even if you say 'no' to me, I am going to respect that, because, since yesterday, it has mattered to me a great deal that you be... yourself, at ease, with me, because for once in my life, I really would only ever be happy in... life... if I could make you smile, and not be unhappy.
Ok, well,so, I will not harm anyone from your family, fact, I will TRY not to harm anyone at all, if they respect the fact that I really do not like being interfered with, that their opinions REALLY mean absolutely NOTHING to me, and I would hate very much to be contradicted by fools whose lives I can literally squash without a second thought, and who I will only spare on a technicality, that they are kin to you.
Which is what I actually wanted to point out to mr funny-pants when he walked past me early in the morning, but then, i guess everyone's terror levels are at present very... high ... from my recent exhibitions that i ... think... for this once, I will overlook that and say that maybe they were just being curious as to the sudden change.
so, let us think about it, and that funny enough, is what the 'five' is all about, five right fingers, "pent"- right, think right, see as things are, not subjectively, but objectively.
Listen, I know you have tried to exploit my interest in cars to get me interested in you, but you just being "you", as unreasonable and as in-my-face as you are sometimes, really makes my day.
I have never, ever, honestly enjoyed the sight and acts of anyone as i do yours, and well, I would not change you for the world. I like you, amazing as you are, because I do not want you in a straight-jacket.
I ... love... you.
You, the woman that showed how near her sleeves your heart is, how easily you revealed it when I hurt you, that I started caring that I did not step all over you.
Would you not want to do the same for me, I mean, let me find the measure of ... peace... that would make my life less of a strain than it is now?
technically, you are all that is holding me here, in kalk bay, and while I may say that I want to just go even if you do not want me, I would be lying; I want you, and I am prepared to stay as long as it takes to win you over.
I do not intend to bully you, you have a zest for life I do not have, and you have shown that you have no respect for any boundaries I may set. Good. I love that, because you are no pushover, no docile follow-the-leader. Since this leader has 90% of his feet in the grave anyway, what can I tell you to do that is not based in despair.
you are the light of my life, and when I say that I love you and you mean everything to me, I am just stating an honest , unbelievably consistent truth to you.
I would be glad to make you glad every day of my life, because I am caught up in that smile of yours, and the first time I ever noticed that you were dead serious when it came to me was that day we made eye contact, after I had written that I give up on you, and you were driving past where I stood with sydney, chewing gum- which, incidentally, is when I really noticed your chin, and started falling for you- I mean, you with your hands on the steering wheel, and glancing at me and then shrugging your shoulders to indicate that you did not know what the guy's problem was, and then you drove off the road, into the pavement and passed me by with a wan, defeated smile, and I was like, "Oh, my God!
I even remember what you were wearing.
At least, the checkered shirt that you had inside the black top, that had one collar a bit... askew... like you had not dressed in a peaceful frame of mind. It was not that cold a day, and I looked at you but was forced back by the ring.Black jeans and ... yes... that top had a skirt thing (ah, when I said I would not try to change you, please bear in mind that those legs are MINE, and for MY viewing pleasure only, thank you very much) and boots up to your knees. Am I correct?
your face, your actions, spoke volumes, and I was like, well, if you are married, how can you be so... into ... me like that, I mean, that is crazy!
How could you live with yourself if you showed your heart so openly and then had to go and face some other dude?
you have no idea how much of a relief it has been to ... eh... see where you are coming from.
you had no need for subterfuge with me.
I have never met someone that has blown me out of my mind as you have, and well, I ... know... that you may not think that I am, but I am really, really, really afraid of not coming any closer to you than i am now.
You are a dream, the best ever, come true.
And I would love to tell you that to your face, if I could get you to come out and give me that chance.
OK, so I am an angry person, and God's way of introducing Himself to me has NOT made me a fan of His, much less as i had to work it backwards to find out that He had ... fixed... things so that I can not die, and so, I have been very, very afraid of being open and upfront about myself since He could very well just seal me up in a tomb, and I have no escape.
I live in constant fear of that one thing, and I can never trust anything from Him, because He is never open and to the point with me.
I could not handle anyone else in my life who is like that, which is why I would rather have you, a person I did not have to go out of my way to try to figure out, and yet, I can not deny the fact that I have an unfair advantage over everyone else, and well, what would happen if someday I was pushed too far, and I snapped, if you want me to remain here.
I had to run away from the smart chick's mother, mr funny-pants, the smart chick and her duck like friend, as well as red-breeches, just as I predicted.
hell, please, I am suffering here!
I NEED to be a bully and go to the US, and remain online, in everyone's face for these seven years, and, well, change people so that I become just an 'academic' and do not have to demonstrate to them what I can do to them or what CAN happen to them.
i think THIS is the time for reason to prevail over chaos, over darkness, so I can depart with no regrets... well, not many.
Will you let me?
