The Death God... Unveiled

There is a sort of... finality... that even reluctant me has to admit to, to what happened today, and well, I wonder what ... those who... tested ... me today ... found. A person that is easily swayed, or basically, a person that can NOT abide anyone else's opinion?
I wonder. They say that hope springs eternal from the human heart, and well, it is a well known fact that even minutes after a person is killed, the heart will continue pumping. Because the basic man was NOT designed to die, and we all carry the same DNA, do we not?
never to actually give in to thoughts of death.
or rather, you all do.
Me, I would be glad to ... just die.
And therefore, maybe my view of things is slightly different from anyone else's.
because I tolerate the bare minimum of... anything.
And I basically have NO hope. None whatsoever.
I was thinking that God was actually personally involved in making sure that my ... despair... was lessened.
i never could have, for example, stood for it, I wouldhave hated Him more than I do now, if, for example, my sister, who is sick, and whom I am more and more determined to go and see, had died.
As things are, with everything bad happening in Zim, she should have died long ago. the first ... known attack... of hers was in 2003, when I ... somehow ... just KNEW her life was in danger, and being a person who did not kid himself by drawing a veil over things, by hoping for the best, I immediately found out that her stated reason, "lack of blood" was just nonsense. She had taken to drinking, and was part of the promiscuous zanu pf cadre, the youth brigade, and I knew that she had been already indulging in sex long before then. But I also knew that she had long been depressed, from childhood, because if my mother was ... upset... when I was born, she was considerably more... unsettled when she continued being impregnated by a guy she thought was just a stand-in parent for her two boys, and she made life very miserable for my sister, who came after me. Her physique always bore witness to that. She grew up thin as a rail, and rather tall, almost as tall as I am, but with a cunning that made her a rather... unattractive person... to be around. I had to remember her ... past... a lot to just be able to stand her at times, and I always felt protective of her, because she was the ... first of us ... to want to break away from my mother's hold. By running into the arms of any man.
and failing that, always ended up back home.
She should have been dead.
if, in south africa, a person living with HIV lasts about ten years, with all the treatment and stuff, then, with all the badmouthing and shunning of a person who is diagnosed with the disease in still-uptight zim, she should have lasted less than the time she has lived.
And there I would have been, powerless to do anything about it, but just yell at God for , as I thought at that time, giving me a 'future';- "he was not for God took him", when all I wanted was to just end it all.
I had no idea that He would later tell me, when I had resigned to die if she died, and when I had not even ASKED Him or wept before Him for anything, "I have added 15 years to your life", nor did I even have any idea that, as the past three years have taught me -yes I counted- that I SIMPLY can not die . That that was something that He put into effect years before, before I was even aware of it.
That I have a companion who is capable of circumventing even my normal bodily functions and make it impossible for me to give in to any ailment.

Well, I always ASSUMED I was just a normal human being, like everyone else.
But, fuck it, I can NOT ignore the fact that, even when I had to go to Harare after my mother wept to my uncle that she had found me burning all my certificates and then later caught me drinking cement- because I had found that it is a possible suicide method, after watching an African Movie- and I had even at my uncle's taken sleeping tablets designed for his crippled younger brother who could not sleep without them, and all I ended up doing was... sleep... almost non-stop for more than three days when I SHOULD have died (and thus I concluded that I should never pay attention to movies nor listen to what they say about sleeping pills) but would be woken by the maids for supper, lunch and breakfast, which I would take but then instantly fall asleep again, till it all wore off, well, that made me rather... ANGRY.
With God especially, because I KNEW He was to blame. I did not know HOW much even then He was to blame,.because all I knew was that He had taken away my basic right, to ... quit... if I felt like it, and all He had to do was judge me for my deeds, and condemn me if He so wished.
At least I would be free.

But He has never been anything but... biased... where I am concerned. He has clung like a limpet to me, and I ... suppose... that that is HIS burden on me, that I have... life.
regardless of how I feel about it.
However, He has NOT allowed anything else to make that life... less bearable.
like the mercy He showed me where my sister is concerned.
Her... life..., even to my other sisters, one of whom spoke scathingly of her as a failure the last time we spoke, which was about five years ago, was that of a failure, and she was already dismissed as a person awaiting death, someone who was an embarrassment, who should just give in and die. But it mattered to me.
because it mattered to me, and what matters to me matters to God, because He has taken my part, unreservedly, "I have claimed you for Myself", "Be Yourself", well, she is alive, and when I was bothered about my then hidden decision to kill people here, all who had pissed me off, when I KNEW that someone else meaning the holy spirit- could get revenge on me by striking at my... "useless"... sister, He even  came out with the statement, "Call unto Me, and I will answer you and show you great an mighty things you have NOT known" and my relief when I KNEW that my sister , whose name means "remember" and who I always remember in everything, was ALIVE, was unbounded.
I am NOT trying to put the nail on the coffin of anyone's hopes. I am just... reminiscing about stuff, because I find that I have gone on a collision course with everyone else, and I am, like, not even... interested... in backing down, which means that what I... SAID ... wrote, will be put into effect.
because when it comes down to it, I have decided.
What I open, NO ONE can shut.
What I shut, NO ONE can open.
And I have decided that NO ONE, when you get right down to it, deserves to live.
And I have to pull the plug on people's lives, as I promised.
because I can NOT bear to live in a lie.

I wish I could be

as cool as you

and I wish I could say

the things you do

but I cant and I wont live a lie

no not this time

because when I arrive, I
I bring the fire

make you come alive

I can take you higher

whet this is forgot

I must now remind you

let it rock

let it rock, just let it rock

I look back now with something of ... sadness... at what happened today.
Because the woman I... 'love'... could not get it that I was NOT out to shame her, or whatever, but just that I had to be... explicit.
She, like always, thought that she had to show up and show me that she has some ... 'say'... in what happens in my life and could sway me, and today, I, because I can NOT stand someone who does not pay attention to simple words "bow down or back off" called her 'rubbish'. I actually said, as she passed me again in that attire, like I could be... impressed... by that nonsense, or made jealous;- "rubbish is rubbish", after clicking my tongue in annoyance and shaking my head as she walked past with some women, like, I should NOT be upset that she is dressed as she is, like, she, dressed like a slut, is way better than my hands.
on the contrary, I think my hands will suffice, thank you very much.
because when it comes down to it, I expect 100% obedience, because I will NOT tolerate anything but total subservience.
I have NO tolerance. Respect my words, and follow them, or... die. Its that plain
mike, whether you greeted me, and tried to NOT walk by in front of me, or ms shorty and dumpy and whoever it was you were with who walked so sorrowfully by me, or anyone that was involved with what was happening, or you silly fools I said I was out to kill and who thought could sway me by walking defiantly or supplicatingly by or to me, well, you STILL remain ... DEAD.
I do not know if THAT got to you.

Nor, when it comes right down to it, do I... care.
I am NOT like you. Never will I be. Not even if you willed it with all your hearts.

I did look at her, though, and the strained face, the tension as she walked towards me from the 'cottage', and that face haunts me even now. But I am not designed to... bend. I can NOT allow that rubbish that she lugs towards me to continue. So, if my terms ar NOT acceptable to her, then she dies. THIS is what she should have gotten plainly from the beginning, but she has always thought that I can be TOLD what to do.
And i have always KNOWN that no one, not even God can tell ME what to do.
because i have NO respect for ANY authority but my own.
 I never have.
NEVER
and I am NOT the type to learn NEW things.

none but ourself can be ourself;-

from you see you carbon 

then you can know one

different, from the original one

well prince is the almighty one

and not john pope the second

well me see clear down in a revelation
One man appears and he is to come

to sit down pon the throne and burn down babylon

I will never force anyone to do as I wish, and yet I... wish... with all my heart that she could just stop fighting me. Because she is the ONLY person that I really have NO wish to harm. REALLY. She, however does NOT seem to take into account the fact that my NOT wishing her harm is NOT as ... imperative to ME as MY imperative. Whatever happens, HAS to happen MY way, and well, things HAVE to happen.

I wish she could get the sense I am getting NOW.

If only she would stop fighting and let me be me.

Speaking words of wisdom, "let it be"

You mean more to me than anything else I have found, but NOT even for you will I stop being me.
I am... glad that you have been making ... slight, defiant, concessions to me... but hell, you have to find out that there will NEVER be any other way but my way, and if that way is NOT acceptable to you, then, well, your life will have to be the ... price ... that you pay for that.

You will never be my equal, either intellectually or otherwise.

I am ... superior... to you in any way that you can think of. If you had eyes to see, then you would have seen a lot of things that have been happening under your very nose, some of which would just call for you to look out the window sometimes.

But I ... KNOW... that such a thing may be difficult for... you... because I appear to be ... just another guy.

So, ask yourself, why do YOU bother with me so much?

Frankly, you could have dismissed me as a fluke so many times, but all the time, there you are, in the forefront, ready to take up arms against me, and do whatever to impress on me that I should look twice at you. You can not bear to think of anyone else having my attention, and everyone around you is using you as a lever to get some kind of grip on life, something which would NOT happen if it was not as obvious to them as it is to me where your heart lies, and yet, the person you should tell how you feel is the one you run from.
you try to walk the line between telling me to go hang and trying to keep me for yourself.
maybe it is time you wised up to what is really important to you.

 I love you so much I can not even believe or understand HOW such a thing could happen to me, and I would do anything  you could wish for, as MYSELF, not as whoever you want to cast me in the role of, for you, but FIRST, for me, comes simple truth.If you... love... me, should you not tell ... ME?
Or show ... me?
Hell, there exists NO ONE else for whom this is appropriate:-

The walker texas ranger blonde who invited the ranger to her place inorder to get him to meet with some other law enforcement dude.

Well, I would have spared your other folk if neither YOU nor THEY had included themselves in all this, but they did, and they made me angry by trying to impose THEIR wills on me.

there are FOUR other people that matter to you, and I do not COUNT the david matthews woman or whosover got me upset, and I ask you this, with everything that has been going on, are you STILL prepared to doubt my... authority?
or take me for a simpleton that you should TELL what to do?
in anything?
woman, look at my blogspot dasshboard.

I may act erratically to you, but I am certifiably a mathematical genius, I can stand my own and even better against physicists, and I have done an overhaul of the bible in a manner that shows I have an independent, truth-must-out approach to everything, meaning I like... FACTS... not conjecture. And I never settle for nonsense.

I would not look twice at you if I had any doubts about you. BUT it is TIME for you to give me the respect due to me.

Not even YOUR forlorn hope can make you THAT blind.

I love you. Does THAT matter to... YOU?
Or am I just a child? NOT the Lord of The EARTH, with the right to do as I... WILL... with anything?