And I have never been as lachrymose as at present, because if it was only the thought of rejection, I would have been very amused, because in my view better have the truth out than the lies, but being taken for a fool, told to go to hell because i point out that this certain woman was all weepy and seeking after me and she showed that as clear as day on the day I rejected her, last year and then only later changed, and I had no idea why, and it was only when I got... it... with that display yesterday that she was the one who had decided to have me take the ... seemingly... better option of being conformed to God or something so that she could have me healed and then, I have no idea what she intended after since she had got herself a replacement to ... I do not know what, and I WALKED right into it, and well, with God supposedly in the steering wheel, well, I must say that THAT hurt.
because even she, and that guy, all assumed they could read me and knew everything about me, and were biding their time till I was as exposed as they wanted.
So, I sent a letter today, to vinnie, and I have no idea if he acted on it, BUT, I promised this, that, since the guy was part of the foursome, as well as red-breeches (I left mike out of it) and also some guy was involved who was taking some pictures and stuff all over the building when the 'guy' came back after he had run into the building with the woman when I THOUGHT about killing him in broad daylight first and then decided against it, and when he came back he was probably thinking he would show how tough he was by trying to talk to this picture guy right about three metres away from me, and I had to look real hard at vinnie and say to him that self control had never been part of my makeup, and then the guy went away, and I then later had my haircut, and I promised that for THIS pain, these four, as well as the cunt of a rasta, would DIE, because in MY life, in a world where i could overlook transgression, there was NO place in my life for people like these, who, when decency and openness could have been the order of the day, decided to deliberately HURT me, as if to show each other just how strong they ARE.
Wrong guy to pick on.
I am probably the softest being alive, hard-face not withstanding, but when one decides to yank my chain, one gets something that is nastier than nasty. All your worst nightmares rolled up into one do not even begin to compare with how bad I can be.So, these shall suffer, the woman because she would not own up to the truth, and wanted me to just suffer in silence and not point out what she herself had caused me to notice her for, and the rest because of their complicity.
Everyone else i will leave alive.
To point out my intent, I made a wire gift for brett's cousin's daughter, whose name i think is zoe, which means life, and the 'life' I plastered backward, and sent to vinnie, and asked him to get to the bottom of my story and tell certain people that they would not die as i had originally intended, and in that letter i ... promised... that even when times got tough, the maverick would remember his promise, and NOT take a life (unnecessarily, of course) but honour others' lives if he was left to live his life as it is, skewed, and backward as it is, and that is one promise i intend to keep. Because, knowing everything as she did, the woman was not ashamed of putting her hands on my head, and while I know that she hoped i would turn to God as well, and maybe be reformed, i was looking at her actions, and I saw that, philosophy aside, she was NOT an enemy.
Felt pity for me, I think.
And that melted me, and I can not forget that.
And I could have worse ways to uncover my head than how it happened.
And the pain is a bit like being hit in the solar plexus, or being tackled rugby style and having the wind knocked out of you without even seeing it coming, and what really pains me is that there is nowhere to ... hold... to ease the pain..., just pain continuously. And I am having to just take it as it comes in fresh waves, and well, it is a cold world.
A world where I know that while i will do my utmost to stop 'suffering' in the world, I have no such medicine in my own chest. I am going to bear THIS suffering and there will be no atonement for it.
And I, the firstborn of mankind, have to leave what I could have taken by force, to go grieve alone.
And man, I am in some SERIOUS pain here.
I punched that pizza thing of tony's harder than I ever did before, and held nothing back, and you know what, even the swelling is gone in both hands, and I feel NO pain, but the chest pain keeps on hurting, and I can not even cry out to God to ask Him why, O why O God do You put me through such things, and I have come to the same conclusion time and time again, that while God may be all ears to all things, He definitely does NOT know how it feels to be ... me.
I was something He wanted alive, because He knew that I alone can really see and be as unbiased as possible because I belong nowhere, BUT, while my life matters to Him, what He puts me through to make sure it remains intact is something that even He does not seem to care about.
Neither does anyone else.
YOU were my sun
you were my earth
you didnt know all the ways I loved you
so you took a chance, made other plans...
Does anyone KNOW how painful it is to be sacrificed for... expediency, to know that one person who could make a stand and stand for him or herself in a certain issue would rather see me get hurt than own up? I have watched it all around me, and I have taken it, and known that, push comes to shove, I will be the first to be thrown into the fire, because i wear that 'ready to discard' poster on me.
When no one cares enough to be honest.
the damage is done so I guess I'll be leaving!cry me a river!
