I am having a bit of a crisis here that is, like everything else, not so easy to ... ignore.
people who do NOT read my posts, well, I am NOT so suspicious of, but when they DO read my posts, and their very postures and mannerisms towards me -ah, to someone who has spent his whole life hiding and trying to be inconspicuous, anyone who pays undue attention is highlighted like he or she has a floodlight on him or her- scream out that here is a person 'trying' to act casual but is faking it, towards me, I am at instant battle stations.
But, I have had to concede that not everyone that is 'aware' of what I am about is not out to 'reward' me for good behaviour or 'punish' me for not doing as expected, like that coloured granny that used to bring us food at vinnie's.
I had written my post about wiping out everyone, in the morning, and I repeated it again at the cheap internet cafe in fish-hoek, spent 29 minutes, owed R10, but was, again, even AFTER deliberately excluding these guys, charged R5. The other time I spent an hour, still got charged R5, when the rate is R5 per 15 minutes.
I am thinking that ... I will... NOT be vengeful towards these guys. I will let them live, for now. Meaning they will not go to hell.
needless to say, I am NOT going there again.
AS for the silly women that I was laughing at as they thought that maybe, when I had already rejected them before even linking this... apple chick... with God's ... intent, they were the ... right ones, well
its not safe to go walkabout
slaughterhouse...!
see then how the innocent going up in vapours
and propaganda spreading inna the sunday papers
not even superman coulda save them with him cape coz
red-a judgement jah blaze us
save us
and bablyon are gamble the youth them life like race course
and give them a uniform and shave them head with razors
now the clock are strike war
dont be amazed coz
them inna the churches try to save us, saviours
ha ha! I just remembered something vinnie said, that they are praying for me in their church, not that I may come to church, but that I may have things go ... well... for me.
praying for my soul. The same people that did the carrot and stick routine, to try to have me... conform. To STOP me being me, to make me into what they wanted me to be. Arranging for chinese people to come to church so that I could get rid of my 'unreasonable' prejudice against these people. Brett greeting me with "wamlekile", and then, when I expressed my confusion over my anger issues, patting me on the hand, and then giving me a pair of jeans and a jacket to wear, for being such a 'good' boy. Bringing up the name of his cousin, to be 'prayed' for, for having a drinking problem.
Just so that I could link her with mike.
Correcting the lord of the earth.
So that he could just behave.
the ONE God described eons ago as a ... ROCK.
The son of man.
The ONLY one to totally REJECT mankind, to come OUT of mankind, and refuse to be part of them.
telling me to behave.
Now they pray for me.
How... ironic.
how... futile.
They will die.
slowly, over the coals of my fuming rage.
For trying to correct the TEACHER.
The One Who Sees.
When they are blind, deaf and stupid.
Assholes
Bitches.
idiots!
tell them fir nuh draw me out
when world government inna falling out
only few men survive crawling out
run left him colleague them sprawling out
nearly dead
medic have fir haul him out
and into tranquiliser fir stall him out
they pon base
cant get no girl him out
when they hear from the shout last week
him mistress find her new shoes
and wife cant get no news
and lately she starting to doubt
she still searching...
Which reminds me, this little piece of shit of a woman did the very same thing that I am going to kill these fools for. She THOUGHT she, with her little, pathetic mind, could TELL me, the LORD of the earth, the one who is intrinsically WITHOUT pretense, the one who does NOT play about, how to behave by trying to make me into something she could dictate terms and conditions to!
And You still persist in saying she is the one that I ... will find with ... NO one having opened? I think even virginity, God is not something I will even consider for such behaviour.
Want to tell me again just WHY, God I ought to even look at her twice? Especially NOW when she still thinks she is worth something?
I mean, is this, this very silly, stupid woman, with her head in the clouds, impressing on her own befuddled mind a sense of her own worth, blown up like a balloon filled with helium, and she thinks she can... help... me?
by doing what, exactly?
I mean, I KNOW all there is to know, I am about to TAKE what I need and use it, and blow away people's lives like dust on a tablecloth, and basically do as I please, and she can tell me... WHAT?
That she can help me in...ah...what exactly?
Like I need a... helper?
I am All-Sufficient, in all these other areas and can ignore everything else, like spicy foods and such, and I am really thinking that even down there, my own hands will suffice for me, because just THINKING of her irritates the hell out of me, and I am so mad at her that I could throttle her.
nuh, I could never do that.
With those eyes turned on me, I am like... captivated. I mean, they are just eyes, but when she looks at me, even in her stupid wishful thinking, i am aware that she is looking at ME.
that I have her attention. Even when she is going about her business.
Which is why it would be... nice...if she did so in a manner that did not anger me. But... cleanly.
I am at a cross-roads here. I am either going to have to be alone, and I am NOT paying attention to God even, because well, it could be the holy spirit pretending to be God, and I have to follow my own heart, such is my life, and the fact that I never take anything for granted, regardless of how cast iron tight it may be, or I may have her, since I know of no one else that has so stolen my heart as she has done.
But, maybe she goes around saying she does not care about me, maybe the woman shaking her head when the guy points to her mid-section as she and the guy both sit astride that flat-headed rock is shaking her head because she is saying that she does not love ... me. Or, she could be denying letting him go. Maybe now, as I sit here and write what I do write, she is NOW seriously clinging to mike, hiding even more behind him, because she is finding out that the joke has gone too far.
maybe she does not even really love me.
maybe it is her people, the jews, and their superiority, that she is trying to preserve, that all things and peoples MUST serve the jews, to bring them to God.
What I do know is that she looks down on me, thinks herself better than me, thinks she can handle things better than I can.
So, I am either going to be alone, and lonely, or with her. And I seriously doubt that there is a future for me and her.
people who do NOT read my posts, well, I am NOT so suspicious of, but when they DO read my posts, and their very postures and mannerisms towards me -ah, to someone who has spent his whole life hiding and trying to be inconspicuous, anyone who pays undue attention is highlighted like he or she has a floodlight on him or her- scream out that here is a person 'trying' to act casual but is faking it, towards me, I am at instant battle stations.
But, I have had to concede that not everyone that is 'aware' of what I am about is not out to 'reward' me for good behaviour or 'punish' me for not doing as expected, like that coloured granny that used to bring us food at vinnie's.
I had written my post about wiping out everyone, in the morning, and I repeated it again at the cheap internet cafe in fish-hoek, spent 29 minutes, owed R10, but was, again, even AFTER deliberately excluding these guys, charged R5. The other time I spent an hour, still got charged R5, when the rate is R5 per 15 minutes.
I am thinking that ... I will... NOT be vengeful towards these guys. I will let them live, for now. Meaning they will not go to hell.
needless to say, I am NOT going there again.
its not safe to go walkabout
slaughterhouse...!
see then how the innocent going up in vapours
and propaganda spreading inna the sunday papers
not even superman coulda save them with him cape coz
red-a judgement jah blaze us
save us
and bablyon are gamble the youth them life like race course
and give them a uniform and shave them head with razors
now the clock are strike war
dont be amazed coz
them inna the churches try to save us, saviours
ha ha! I just remembered something vinnie said, that they are praying for me in their church, not that I may come to church, but that I may have things go ... well... for me.
praying for my soul. The same people that did the carrot and stick routine, to try to have me... conform. To STOP me being me, to make me into what they wanted me to be. Arranging for chinese people to come to church so that I could get rid of my 'unreasonable' prejudice against these people. Brett greeting me with "wamlekile", and then, when I expressed my confusion over my anger issues, patting me on the hand, and then giving me a pair of jeans and a jacket to wear, for being such a 'good' boy. Bringing up the name of his cousin, to be 'prayed' for, for having a drinking problem.
Just so that I could link her with mike.
Correcting the lord of the earth.
So that he could just behave.
the ONE God described eons ago as a ... ROCK.
The son of man.
The ONLY one to totally REJECT mankind, to come OUT of mankind, and refuse to be part of them.
telling me to behave.
Now they pray for me.
How... ironic.
how... futile.
They will die.
slowly, over the coals of my fuming rage.
For trying to correct the TEACHER.
The One Who Sees.
When they are blind, deaf and stupid.
Assholes
Bitches.
idiots!
tell them fir nuh draw me out
when world government inna falling out
only few men survive crawling out
run left him colleague them sprawling out
medic have fir haul him out
and into tranquiliser fir stall him out
they pon base
cant get no girl him out
when they hear from the shout last week
him mistress find her new shoes
and wife cant get no news
and lately she starting to doubt
she still searching...
Which reminds me, this little piece of shit of a woman did the very same thing that I am going to kill these fools for. She THOUGHT she, with her little, pathetic mind, could TELL me, the LORD of the earth, the one who is intrinsically WITHOUT pretense, the one who does NOT play about, how to behave by trying to make me into something she could dictate terms and conditions to!
And You still persist in saying she is the one that I ... will find with ... NO one having opened? I think even virginity, God is not something I will even consider for such behaviour.
Want to tell me again just WHY, God I ought to even look at her twice? Especially NOW when she still thinks she is worth something?
I mean, is this, this very silly, stupid woman, with her head in the clouds, impressing on her own befuddled mind a sense of her own worth, blown up like a balloon filled with helium, and she thinks she can... help... me?
by doing what, exactly?
I mean, I KNOW all there is to know, I am about to TAKE what I need and use it, and blow away people's lives like dust on a tablecloth, and basically do as I please, and she can tell me... WHAT?
That she can help me in...ah...what exactly?
Like I need a... helper?
I am All-Sufficient, in all these other areas and can ignore everything else, like spicy foods and such, and I am really thinking that even down there, my own hands will suffice for me, because just THINKING of her irritates the hell out of me, and I am so mad at her that I could throttle her.
nuh, I could never do that.
With those eyes turned on me, I am like... captivated. I mean, they are just eyes, but when she looks at me, even in her stupid wishful thinking, i am aware that she is looking at ME.
that I have her attention. Even when she is going about her business.
Which is why it would be... nice...if she did so in a manner that did not anger me. But... cleanly.
I am at a cross-roads here. I am either going to have to be alone, and I am NOT paying attention to God even, because well, it could be the holy spirit pretending to be God, and I have to follow my own heart, such is my life, and the fact that I never take anything for granted, regardless of how cast iron tight it may be, or I may have her, since I know of no one else that has so stolen my heart as she has done.
But, maybe she goes around saying she does not care about me, maybe the woman shaking her head when the guy points to her mid-section as she and the guy both sit astride that flat-headed rock is shaking her head because she is saying that she does not love ... me. Or, she could be denying letting him go. Maybe now, as I sit here and write what I do write, she is NOW seriously clinging to mike, hiding even more behind him, because she is finding out that the joke has gone too far.
maybe she does not even really love me.
maybe it is her people, the jews, and their superiority, that she is trying to preserve, that all things and peoples MUST serve the jews, to bring them to God.
What I do know is that she looks down on me, thinks herself better than me, thinks she can handle things better than I can.
So, I am either going to be alone, and lonely, or with her. And I seriously doubt that there is a future for me and her.
so tell me what you gonna do
when judgement comes
[and there aint nowhere left to hide]
because I am looking to find out the truth.
