The person I was supposed to be was a football "player", with emphasis on the player. The woman I love probably put two and two together, thought I wanted to be with her while playing the field, and so decided to show me that two could play the game.
Oh, woman, I have had sex because I wanted to die, and I will NEVER ask for healing from God because that comes with the package of life, He HAS to heal me, because otherwise... He may as well kill me than let me remain suffering.
Is that WHY you did all those things?
Well, then, I hope for your sake that nothing happened, that there is no guy out there that says , like tupac to BIG, "you claim to be a player but I fucked your wife", and MORE to the point, I hope for YOUR sake that that guy was just trying to get me mad, because if NOT, I assure you that you all, and everyone that was either aware of it happening or was trying with you, to coerce me to stick to you, will die horribly. On the other hand, if that asshole i almost went after that day WAS just trying to test who is boss, then I assure HIM that He just got the worst day of his life the day he held you in his arms, the START of his worst nightmare. Because he will NOT die.NO, death is too easy. I want every day of his life to be spent in unbearable agony, and he will suffer grievously every single instant. As will that cunt of a rasta. I am out for revenge, pure and simple.
I have never played with you. I have loved you, and not been happy at why you were trying to make me walk in a certain path when I was clear from the beginning where I was coming from. If I can not die, and I, to my knowledge, which is NOT faulty, last had sex last year this time, before I even met you, and last thought of conquest of a woman long ago as well, but started LOOKING for someone that , you know, would make my bleak life have meaning, and you came along, and I was like, amazed and impressed with you, because I really, really, wanted you, and you alone around and I failed to get the reason why we did not connect till now when I was ready to give it all up, how can you fail to understand the simple, obvious truth, that I AM what I say I am, and that without you, I have... nothing. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for, nothing to get me up in the morning.
I have tried to show why my life is different from that of anyone else, and yet you have always tried to get me to change. To what?
What do you think I have, or you have, or anyone has that could attract me to them and make me stop being me? if you could make me blind then maybe I would see as you do. I ... do not think ...anything I have ever said to you has sunk in, because I think I amgoing to be forced to leave on my own, and have the joke on me... !
The ten million dollars was to build an ... ark...a grave, a tomb, a kingship, something that is NOT of this world, something that defies the laws of gravity, and the laws of life. Because as I went and slept, I knew that I did not want to give you up, and well, I said to God that I would do as He... wanted... because the only REASON I know of that could make me want to do anything would be... you.
Otherwise, I may as well carry on being this... dead inside.
because, why, I ask you, would I bother doing anything when I get nothing out of it.
I love you like crazy, but I do not love you in the way you think I should, because what you obviously think is that for there to be ... me and you... I must be reduced to a certain level where you want me to be, and NOT elevated to who I MUST be in order to just be able to survive.
How many times have you tried it , to get me to run after you, and failed? You know why? i said why? Because sooner or later, holding you in my arms, I would remember how it all came about, and my whole world would turn sour, and THEN I would hurt you, and by that I would mean real bad.
It is your own choice, and well, I leave it up to you. You can hurt me again, since you are so... good... at that.
