First off, I would like to apologise to her for calling her names and for threatening her family members and all that, well, and unsettling her. And also to say to all those that I tried to get angry so that I could kill them, well, I am NOT there now, so, I have no grudges against you and would have liked to keep it that way, but it just so... happens that I am a bit in a fight of my own with ... myself... at present, just to NOT let the beast out.
I think I am losing, though.
Because I am slipping ever deeper into the quicksand of despair and pain, and for now, I have it sort of under control.
I think, though, that my own personal darkness is about to claim me, and I will lose and well, end up killing everyone in my quest to get rid of the pain.
Reminds me of an episode in Beast Wars when the maximals were ambushed by the predacons and while they took cover, rhinox, that peace loving second-in-command, blasted his 'chainguns of doom' high above megatron and crew. ratrap, the rat, was going all the time 'shoot straight, shoot straight!"because he seemed to be missing with every... round.
Till suddenly, the rock over the preadacons dropped on them, and squashed them all. And megatron went, "Hmm, I like that rhino, YEAH-SSS", and decided to recruit him into his crew, by the ... subtle... means of ... kidnapping.
Needless to say, the leader of the preds soon had a full scale riot on his hands as he unleashed the darker side of the gentle, nature-loving slow behemoth.Because the cunning hidden behind the slow facade was left exposed, and he decided to literally take over the entire camp, and eliminate the preds one -by-one and remain in charge himself, and megatron had to concede that the rhino was best left as he was, unchanged.
I ... suppose ... that, well, in my case, leaving me unchanged is a bit too late. I have been figuring out, with every slap in the face, ways to get even, and what started out as a lets-see-what-happens-if-I-push-this-button experiment has suddenly become grim reality , and maybe the only reason why things appear normal at present is because I am holding back, with every ounce of me, the rage in me that anyone can see IF they, for example, look out the window.
Because I KNOW that once I start down that road, I will systematically wipe out every single one of the people alive and remain alone, over a pile of dirt.
yet THAT is not what I want.
I repeat again, I do NOT care for people, I do mind if I kill people, because, well, in a way, they sort of deserve it, to be killed that is, but I have reached THIS point, where it matters to me what ONE person thinks of me, and I would like it very much if also what I SAID mattered to her enough for her to see that I can NOT be what she thinks I should be.
I HATE God.
MORE than I can ever say.
I would never ever use what I know for the good of people if it was done the way someone supposes it should be done.
The BEST thing would be to stop trying to link me with God, stop trying to get me to have ANYTHING to do with 'serving Him' because I HATE Him, and so...
I wonder if I am getting through, here!
Thing is, everything before all this; my quest for death, my coming out of my parental home, was NOT because I was looking for something ... better... but because I was looking for a way to get back at God. I put my life on the line in defiance of Him, and from MY point of view it is, and has always been pure hatred that made me test everything of His, while from His side, I can not figure out what He wants from me.
Everything I have demanded of Him is in the palm of my hands, and...
It is so... sad.
Because it all means ... nothing.
And NOW I am at the crossroads, and the only way I can DO this, left to myself, is to destroy everything.
And like an addict, my hand is hovering temptedly over the 'fire' button, just so that I can spite God.
oh I have reached the end of the road
the crossroads of my life...
I cant carry on no more
gotta lay my burdens down...
I used to think on my own
I could make it all alone...
I have hurt so many people
I have let my mother down...
i am at the crossroads...
i am at the crossroads...
Hell, this hurts so much, I can not say how much. I have never felt so ...cut off... so totally, completely alienated from everything and everyone, and I see what is ahead and , like I am in a vehicle that is so completely out of control and not able to get out, I see what is looming ahead, and I am ...
Weeping.
Every thing I have done, every act of harm I have performed to people, is burnt on my soul, and I do not want to go back to that, I do not want to take up the cudgel that I thought, when I separated myself from people and stayed on the mountains, I would never have to take up again.
But the past never lets go,and now, my personal demons are here again, and whichever way I look at it, best-case, worst case scenario, I am STILL going to have to be the aggressor.
On one hand, I HAVE to leave the planet, if I am to stand even the least chance of preserving what is left of my humanity.And sort of putting a limit on the amount of self-laceration that I put myself to.
Which means I have to go to the USA, and remove people from the country, and maybe, not necessarily kill off everyone- I mean, after all, I have the power to move mountains, and having a mind like mine, I can see how the weaknesses of the strong nations can be exploited. Even as I ... think... of it, I see myself slipping into the driver's seat and becoming ... cold, and detached.
But that is the best case scenario.
Worst case, I just ... STAY, here.
And make this the focal-point of my rage.
And people start dying, dropping off hideously like flies that have breathed poisoned air, and I branch out, and end everyone's life in the most hideous ways possible.Ways that my idle mind can ... make... happen.
Since all I have to do is THINK about it, and things happen.
And I am trying to think positive thoughts, but that is like describing colour to a man born blind.
I have been ever gloomy, and bad, dark, terrible, is all I SEE.
stains of all my trials and sorrows
on the walls of my mind
are there any bright tomorrows
pain is all I seem to find
how did I ever getto be here
oh, the truth cuts like a knife
papa used to tell me about kharma
thats the story of my life.
born as a sufferer
raised as a sufferer
grew up as a sufferer
survive as a sufferer
roots are in the ghetto
where everybody is a sufferer
Really, the best thing would be if I could just ... DIE.Like, you know, STOP BREATHING and just... stop living, having my body become cold and start decomposing.
BUT, that can NOT happen, can it?
Fuck do you think I have been trying to do all this time?
And if I, someone who recognises NO boundaries, end up throwing MY hands in the air, and giving up, well, then, it means that there is NO such way out for me.
I am doomed to... live.
If I have to depart the planet, though, and leave people alive, never to return, then people will be rather drastically... altered, and ...fixed... to the planet, otherwise they may follow me, and I would hate to have to kill them.
this is part of the best-case scenario.
Worst case?
Everyone alive now goes to hell.
EVERY living SOUL.Hell,even those that are dead will have to also go to hell, because I would judge everyone pitilessly, and destroy everything remorselessly.
Well, maybe NOTeveryone, because some people ... person... I cannot bring myself to harm, andI would have to run away anyway to stop myself from doing just that.
So, I have to leave anyway, whether i like to or not.
I will stay away from people now, because I am rather... fragile.
I know that if I show up, I would boil, and well, there will be NO stopping the rage, not this time.
Because scenes are burnt into my memory, and I would remember, and I, so far have no good memories to cling to, all I have is pain and 'corrections' and flowers and mikes and imps and rasta cunts and gallery women and tonys and guys-she-is-involved-with and bare-legs and high-heels clipping the pavement to make me turn and focus on her as she tries to get me to mind my manners, and trips to cottages, and.... NOTHING... to hold on to.
Why, O why, then, should I NOT do anything to destroy everyone?
I ask myself that.
Because all I am is a fool.
A stupid senseless fool.
Maybe I should just give in and let bad things happen to everyone.
Kill them all off. YEAH-SSS!
Oh, YEAH-SSS!
Why the fuck NOT?
Lets Get Dangerous.
then nuh real mccoy
them just think me baby boy'
them are chat me nuh have time fir chat
gun inna me hand prepare fir shot boy-oh!
after all, I am just a... nuisance, right?
