So, I am like, fuck this, God, You lose, and now, I am going to have to be doing what I said I would be doing anyway, and keep myself busy with my hands, because this is all bullshit!
And I am actually making my way to the library to start the countdown, and all that, and I find the library closed, find out that it is wednesday -I was a day behind- and then, I sort of start to blame God for the wasted time, and I get one of His pregnant silences and I am like, OK, so Your point ...is?
He does not say anything, but I find myself thinking. The kind of thoughts I want to try to avoid thinking, because I hate it when He lays the load on my shoulders. It is a whole array of thoughts and well, to put them in a nutshell, they go like this, "you have the sharpest brain around, and you KNOW what is not working out right, and you see with your own eyes, and you KNOW what God said is supposed to happen, and you have found one person who you KNOW you can read easy, but she is not doing what she is supposed to do, and the reason is... WHAT?
What did you say that failed to strike the right nerve? You saw her today, and you found that she had NOT changed at all, she is NOT even ashamed, not when you dseliberatly tried to put her to public ridicule, and she did the same thing she always does, which is, to show herself ONLY when she saw competition, because she can not seem to get over ... something. What?
Your mother-weakness, that is what. The moment you mention 'mother' and going to see her, she blocks out everything else , because to her you are reverting, changing back to being the... little suicidal boy, and what is worse, when you go about saying that you may kill her, she is thinking that it is because of your mother-weakness, and not because she is doing something that you specifically disagree with, and when you ALSO mention the "essence of survive" she is like, "I must help God look after the child", and she does not get the whole picture, does she?
That I have felt guilty for wanting to kill my mother, and that guilt is what made me feel suicidal, and now, even though I find that I am ... not being blamed by God, I STILL judge myself,a nd I can not get over MY own feelings of guilt, which is why I am STILL suicidal, and still, I am also thinking that I also do NOT deserve to be alive, so I will never really WANT to live, so I must have a keeper all the time.
But, I AM alive, and what I say goes, and I said to the silly woman to get out of certain things or I WILL kill her, but she pays NO attention, does not even feel ashamed, brushes all these things aside, and thinks she can intervene for people, or that she can look down on me and expect me to play with her, and have lip service or some such thing, or that God will fight for her or her people, fuck it, I SAID I am leaving alive only those people that I know, that I can tolerate because I and they have a more than passing acquaintance and the rest world over... die, and she still thinks I am just a child.
Well, FINE, I have said THIS, God, and frankly STILL think it is a waste of time, because this woman is so stuck on mike, for example she would rather die than leave him, and I would rather kill her than listen to her pleas on his or anyone's behalf, once I have decided that the person is DEAD. Even if it is her sister.
I am the JUDGE, and that stands unaltered, and blood WILL flow, because I can NOT die, and so, I MUST deal with those that are alive, to end their lives, and if she is too stupid to see that, then really, God whether You say anything or not, I am going to kill her, because what happens after all this is in MY hands, not hers, not even God's and not anyone else's, and she does not grasp that?
OK, You may not make mistakes, but if this does not get through to her, then I am killing her, and well, her whole family too. I would have spared the other four family members that did not anger me, but if that is NOT gonna happen, why should I bother?
I am the Lord of the earth
And I am actually making my way to the library to start the countdown, and all that, and I find the library closed, find out that it is wednesday -I was a day behind- and then, I sort of start to blame God for the wasted time, and I get one of His pregnant silences and I am like, OK, so Your point ...is?
What did you say that failed to strike the right nerve? You saw her today, and you found that she had NOT changed at all, she is NOT even ashamed, not when you dseliberatly tried to put her to public ridicule, and she did the same thing she always does, which is, to show herself ONLY when she saw competition, because she can not seem to get over ... something. What?
Your mother-weakness, that is what. The moment you mention 'mother' and going to see her, she blocks out everything else , because to her you are reverting, changing back to being the... little suicidal boy, and what is worse, when you go about saying that you may kill her, she is thinking that it is because of your mother-weakness, and not because she is doing something that you specifically disagree with, and when you ALSO mention the "essence of survive" she is like, "I must help God look after the child", and she does not get the whole picture, does she?
That I have felt guilty for wanting to kill my mother, and that guilt is what made me feel suicidal, and now, even though I find that I am ... not being blamed by God, I STILL judge myself,a nd I can not get over MY own feelings of guilt, which is why I am STILL suicidal, and still, I am also thinking that I also do NOT deserve to be alive, so I will never really WANT to live, so I must have a keeper all the time.
But, I AM alive, and what I say goes, and I said to the silly woman to get out of certain things or I WILL kill her, but she pays NO attention, does not even feel ashamed, brushes all these things aside, and thinks she can intervene for people, or that she can look down on me and expect me to play with her, and have lip service or some such thing, or that God will fight for her or her people, fuck it, I SAID I am leaving alive only those people that I know, that I can tolerate because I and they have a more than passing acquaintance and the rest world over... die, and she still thinks I am just a child.
Well, FINE, I have said THIS, God, and frankly STILL think it is a waste of time, because this woman is so stuck on mike, for example she would rather die than leave him, and I would rather kill her than listen to her pleas on his or anyone's behalf, once I have decided that the person is DEAD. Even if it is her sister.
OK, You may not make mistakes, but if this does not get through to her, then I am killing her, and well, her whole family too. I would have spared the other four family members that did not anger me, but if that is NOT gonna happen, why should I bother?
I am the Lord of the earth
