After speaking to vinnie for more than an hour, it still seemed to him, vinnie, that I did not ... know... Him, God.
Because it seemed impossible that anyone could KNOW God in and out and ... HATE... Him.
But I KNOW what He has done to me, the fact that He deliberately overlooked me, the person, maybe because even He could not stand to come in by the door to my heart, since that was and remains completely closed anyone, and I think, when one gets right down to it, He can not stand someone who has no NEED of Him, someone who despises everything about life, about the... point... of it all, about the reason why He even bothered to make anything.And decided to put everyone in a straightjacket so that one either walks one way or gets to pay the results of ... disobedience.
God remains to me an unmitigated Asshole, and I bear no love for Him. I view Him as a... coward, in the sense that He could just as well have been open about everything from the beginning, but He decided to take a circuitous route, and speak in double-speak everytime, because... because He was waiting for someone to take up the task for Him, and thus, use that person to have people look up to Him, and thus win His war with His spirit.
I know that that is a bit too much for ANYONE to take in, but, in a nutshell, that is why I hate Him.
And I hate Him because He never had the guts to ask ME what I thought of Him. And even when I tell Him, He decides to shift the focus to something else.
He is never explicit, and if it was me, I would say exactly how things are, and leave it as unambiguous as possible.
But then, He probably wants everything to be cloaked in mystery, or maybe, just maybe, I am the only one that has nothing to lose.
I mean, hey, I thought I had something to ... keep... someone that would make my meaningless life have something solid in it, but what can anyone do, when the light of one's life gets shot off so drastically, and one sees the gradual progression of a woman from walking past you so that you notice her, to walking by when she sees you look at some other woman, to being glad when she realises that it is her you are looking at, to then showing that gladness with some other guy by chatting like a ... chatterbox... to finally try to twist you round her little finger by a you-shall-do-things-how-I-want-them by doing everything in her power to make you jealous and even steppingover the boundaries because what she wants is to have YOU as hers, not as yourself... and you realise that... it is... pointless to try to live a life like that, because if two can not meet in the middle, then one will always be dragging the other.
I fell in love with the woman, and now, now that I am looking at a bleak future, I must admit that I saw the cracks long ago, and maybe that was why I was angry so much, all the time.
But seeing her and knowing that she had deliberately decided to show me what I was missing out on, well, this time, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I can never, ever forget that scene, and you know, this would be a good time to know that that was NOT for real, that the guy is a cousin or something, a relative, and that was just to piss me off, because if it was for real, I am killing everyone. I did not want to get to this stage, but how will I ever live down the shame, the knowledge that somewhere, alive, is some person that was laughing his head off while i was singing love songs to an unresponsive woman, wondering what I was doing wrong when it had NOTHING to do with ME?
I think that I am going, for this case, going to suspend my respect for others' lives and go on a killing spree, and make sure that that pain I inflict will be as severe as the pain I myself am feeling right now.
mutual misunderstanding
after the fact
sensitivity builds a prison
in the final act
we lose direction
no stone unturned
no tears to damn you
when jealousy burns
cold cold heart
hard done by you...
God, knowing the way things would turn out -eish, and He says "I have plans for you, plans for GOOD"?, For ME? yeah, right!- makes up that vision, of me fed up with the woman, and then turning left, wanting to 'go' home, and she saying, "why did you have to go", and then me walking away because I did not care anymore, and Him then asking me, "Tell me what you want from me", and me, after seeing that ark-thing saying ten million dollars to build that thing, and then having it draw out a bat wing on its right side, and I am looking at it, and hell, I see it all now, the way that I gradually lost all that hope, as I saw the way even the woman, unable to stomach me as me, decided she was going to squeeze me till I bled. Till I bowed down.
Forgetting that God is ... jealous... and hates women to begin with,and well, I am HIS ... toy, His possession, and He wants me to remain... unbending, that NO ONE will ever be able to make me do anything more than be as unpredictable as I am. I can never run after anyone, nor will i ever, ever, be someone's toy.
Now, though, I have empty arms to myself,and I know that, unless this was ALL a prank, and I doubt it, because I seemto have seen the guy that day she was holding flowers, and I am assuming now that this is something for real, and was happening right under my nose, in which case i am the biggest fool alive, and I can not do anything about it except ... well... I hold ALL the power, and THIS time, I am definitely going to use it make sure that them fools pay, because IF it was a prank, than I do not have a funny bone there, i will make the rest of these people's lives a living misery, every single day of the rest of their lives they will suffer, but if it was for real, then they are going straight to hell, and there to suffer like never before, but FIRST, they will know pain above ground. All those involved in this.
And by THAT I mean everyone, from the gallery people, kenneth, every single living soul that was included in that, because i will make every asshole pay for this.
It may NOT seem like it, but I HOLD all the power over everything, life or death, and while it may not seem like it, I answer to NO ONE.
And you all are about to find out the truth of that.
I DEMAND clarity over this issue. NOW!God, do not make me any more angrier than I am now!
Forgetting that God is ... jealous... and hates women to begin with,and well, I am HIS ... toy, His possession, and He wants me to remain... unbending, that NO ONE will ever be able to make me do anything more than be as unpredictable as I am. I can never run after anyone, nor will i ever, ever, be someone's toy.
Now, though, I have empty arms to myself,and I know that, unless this was ALL a prank, and I doubt it, because I seemto have seen the guy that day she was holding flowers, and I am assuming now that this is something for real, and was happening right under my nose, in which case i am the biggest fool alive, and I can not do anything about it except ... well... I hold ALL the power, and THIS time, I am definitely going to use it make sure that them fools pay, because IF it was a prank, than I do not have a funny bone there, i will make the rest of these people's lives a living misery, every single day of the rest of their lives they will suffer, but if it was for real, then they are going straight to hell, and there to suffer like never before, but FIRST, they will know pain above ground. All those involved in this.
And by THAT I mean everyone, from the gallery people, kenneth, every single living soul that was included in that, because i will make every asshole pay for this.
It may NOT seem like it, but I HOLD all the power over everything, life or death, and while it may not seem like it, I answer to NO ONE.
And you all are about to find out the truth of that.
