I do not GET it.
I was just thinking to myself how the fuck I... got here... and I am like... this is ALL bullshit!
One;- I am a black man. Traditionally, black people are very religious, they respect their elders and either honour their ancestral spirits and all that, or they become christian crooks who are in it for the money, yes? I mean, being black is all about just how much ... BIGGER your... whatever is than another's, and also, black people LOVE their mothers.They worship them, above all else.
I think about having mine dead, and that makes me a bit twisted inside, I suppose.
And another thing, I HATE God, and He is cool with that.
And I do not want to harm anyone, and apparently He is cool with that as well.
On the other hand, I do not really want to have this darkness that is in me remain in me like this, because yesterday I was asking myself, when I was trying to fit in to the world of this woman I love;- minus the leg showing, and the fact that she does not even come near me, I like that woman, and I can suppose when you get right down to it, she is the only person for whom I can somehow draw back the rage that engulfs me when fools that have ears but can not hear try to tell me how i should THINK.
I almost killed people yesterday, and I THINK that, when I show up today, fools like red-breeches and that michaela chick, and that smart chick, will walk around all near me again, when I tell them I HATE them. They do not get THAT, of course, and I am thinking I am going to have to kill somebody just to make a statement, and then, once I start, well, I can only get... better at it.
That is the thing with me, I guess.
I criticise every act of mine, and my idle mind seeks better ways to do a better job ... next time... and so, I, because I have no brakes, well, I then set out to accomplish what I did first time, and do it better.
trust me, I am better off of this planet.
But... here is the catch.Maybe, the song can say it better;-
I was just thinking to myself how the fuck I... got here... and I am like... this is ALL bullshit!
One;- I am a black man. Traditionally, black people are very religious, they respect their elders and either honour their ancestral spirits and all that, or they become christian crooks who are in it for the money, yes? I mean, being black is all about just how much ... BIGGER your... whatever is than another's, and also, black people LOVE their mothers.They worship them, above all else.
I think about having mine dead, and that makes me a bit twisted inside, I suppose.
And another thing, I HATE God, and He is cool with that.
And I do not want to harm anyone, and apparently He is cool with that as well.
On the other hand, I do not really want to have this darkness that is in me remain in me like this, because yesterday I was asking myself, when I was trying to fit in to the world of this woman I love;- minus the leg showing, and the fact that she does not even come near me, I like that woman, and I can suppose when you get right down to it, she is the only person for whom I can somehow draw back the rage that engulfs me when fools that have ears but can not hear try to tell me how i should THINK.
I almost killed people yesterday, and I THINK that, when I show up today, fools like red-breeches and that michaela chick, and that smart chick, will walk around all near me again, when I tell them I HATE them. They do not get THAT, of course, and I am thinking I am going to have to kill somebody just to make a statement, and then, once I start, well, I can only get... better at it.
That is the thing with me, I guess.
I criticise every act of mine, and my idle mind seeks better ways to do a better job ... next time... and so, I, because I have no brakes, well, I then set out to accomplish what I did first time, and do it better.
trust me, I am better off of this planet.
But... here is the catch.Maybe, the song can say it better;-
I can not live, if living is without you, I can not live...
I have NO idea how i got here. Well, I am telling God how much I think He is an asshole, and how He should have just let me die, and why the fuck did He have to be involved with my life, and now, I am wondering how the fuck i am supposed to act or do anything when He has shut me in to life, and why, oh why, is He so... set on me living when all I long for, all I want, I can not even seem to get near.
She was ... confused... yesterday- and by the way, the NEXT person who tries to come offer food to me I will mangle, really - and I saw it by the way she came out and , after i had come back from buying food, not at the restaurant as i normally did but rather at the somali shop, and refused to even look at the car she had parked there, she came out with this guy and she had him drive the car away and she was looking at me to see if I was... at ease with everything. I mean, hello, I am HERE, and you greet them assholes and ignore me, and I am left feeling like i am in a glass case, I do not even know how your hair smells like, i have no record of the feel of your skin in my hands, I have nothing but millions and millions of pairs of eyes looking at everything I do to see if it is ... safe... for them to walk by, and I am left grasping air, and I am always unhappy because you are there but could be as well a million miles away from me, and you are so worried about your people, and yet do not even give a damn about ... me, and everything I say and do, you oppose and squash because i am like a little child to you, and ... well, I was just wondering how I got into this situation, where people make love out of nothing
I hate being here, I hate being exposed, I hate being involved with God and I hate the thought of having blood on my hands, and all I hate is what I am getting, and nothing of what I want is even mine.
I have never met someone as ... crazy... and stubborn... as you are.
You come out with your own plan and schedule, and you deliberately spike every act of mine and evry false turn I try to take, like you are holding a poster that goes, "You-WILL-notice-ME-and-me-ALONE" and then when I do, you start showing me how I should behave, and I am left speechless.I checked yesterday, and while you were out to show me that I should follow your lead, you actually paid ... some... attention to me, and even in my rage as I was near you- closest I came to testing to see if i would end up slapping you in the face- I checked out your hands, and there was no ring, and I was like, what the fuck are you doing to me, you woman?
you move me in a way that I've never known...
you abuse me in a way that I've never known...
you hurt me in a way that I've never known
So, apparently I CAN kill, and have no one and nothing say anything about it. On the face of it, I have many ways open to me, to do as I want, and all that, but hell, I can not get over the fact that all THAT is nothing I want. I do not like the smell of roses, I have no fancy for ... anything but distance from people.
I do not like the sights and sounds of things that grow on the planet, because I would like to be places where no one has ever been and would never be.
I just would appreciate NOT having any fool try to tell me how to live, because I do NOT want to live.
What is so difficult there? stay out of my way, and i will make my changes in a manner that means no one has to die, and I will leave everyone alive, and go my way. Who the FUCK thinks he or she can make me over. Fuck it, keep your opinions to yourselves! You are all too stupid for me to listen to, anyway!
besides, if you want to argue with me, I got a bigger... whatever... than any of you.Do not test me.
I have never met someone as ... crazy... and stubborn... as you are.
You come out with your own plan and schedule, and you deliberately spike every act of mine and evry false turn I try to take, like you are holding a poster that goes, "You-WILL-notice-ME-and-me-ALONE" and then when I do, you start showing me how I should behave, and I am left speechless.I checked yesterday, and while you were out to show me that I should follow your lead, you actually paid ... some... attention to me, and even in my rage as I was near you- closest I came to testing to see if i would end up slapping you in the face- I checked out your hands, and there was no ring, and I was like, what the fuck are you doing to me, you woman?
you abuse me in a way that I've never known...
you hurt me in a way that I've never known
So, apparently I CAN kill, and have no one and nothing say anything about it. On the face of it, I have many ways open to me, to do as I want, and all that, but hell, I can not get over the fact that all THAT is nothing I want. I do not like the smell of roses, I have no fancy for ... anything but distance from people.
I do not like the sights and sounds of things that grow on the planet, because I would like to be places where no one has ever been and would never be.
I just would appreciate NOT having any fool try to tell me how to live, because I do NOT want to live.
besides, if you want to argue with me, I got a bigger... whatever... than any of you.Do not test me.
