I run out of words to say when things go real bad, which is why songs are... convenient.
And all I can think of, are the words of the song by akon and ... some lady... whitney Houston, I think, "Its a cold cold world when I'm out here on my own...:, and well, I do not think anyone has ever had it colder.
It is with supreme effort that I keep the tears from my eyes, and I have to try to be detached to just even move. Yesterday, as I walked home, after the coloured lady had probably seen the totally lost look on my face and she rubbed my shoulders and squeezed my arms, I knew what it meant to be truly heartbroken, as everything suddenly became as remote as if I was on top of a mountain, looking in as people have ... life.
And the hurt, well, it is something else. I used to be able to joke away the pain, but last night was really bad.
I logged off the internet and went and just... slept... and I do not know how to describe the anguish I felt. It is like the whole of me was one massive ... hurt... and I could do nothing to ease the pain.
I have never wanted anything in life, never wanted life, and never longed for anything. I have had God force Himself into my life, and I have known from the beginning that He had not come to- as He intends for all else- come to offer me a better 'quality life' - but rather, from His rather grave statements confirming everything I see, just more of the same, as I saw it.
I remember Him telling me that I saw clearly when I told Him that my mother did not really love me, and I was taken aback, because I thought He could, He would, make ways so that we could mend bridges.
But, slowly, slowly, He has been stripping me of every vestige of hope, hope that I could ever even have a foothold among other people, and live among them, and now, I see the bleakness of my life, the emptiness of it all, and hell, it is a cold, cold world when I am out here on my own.
I know now how it feels to be truly alone.
I got on the phone, I wanted to cry out to maybe the one person whose shoulder has been for a while, my hiding place, Vinnie, and I found I could NOT say what the problem really was, and I have had to endure some of the worst moments of my life, just sitting down, while my mind was pacing like a caged lion, seeking a way out, a way to end the horror.
I decided to just tell him everything, or at least some of it.
Like the fact that no one TOLD me that my mother wanted me dead, but I could never forget it, that it was something I remember and, hell, time may be a healer for some, but how do you live with yourself when just a head's turn behind you lurks the spectre of the one woman every person is supposed to love, 'your mother' drawing you down into the water, and you seeing her shape being distorted by the small wavelets of the water as if she suddenly has become a dream-figure, something not real; how do you live with that?
You do not, that is what. Your every act is shaped by that, your every bit of outlook is based on the fact that you are NOT wanted, and you look high and low for someone, anyone, that can show you love, and you look for a woman to hold you in her arms and at least find something worthwhile in you, something worth holding out her arms to you ... for.
You certainly do NOT expect to have every statement shoved in your face, and be kicked like a dog for it.
And as you eyes grow wider in disbelief at the very sad, poignant reality of it all, and you KNOW you are caught up 'with' life because God decided to do the most significant and first of many unnatural acts He has performed on you, you know that that also is so deeply engrained in your memory that you relive it moment after moment, and you know that the last of your innocence, the last of your hope in people, 'with people' has just ben torn away, and you are alone, alive, and miserable in this cold cold world, with no one to call your own, no one to make the dark days, the nightmares that stretch back 31 years less of an ever-present spectre.
And you ask yourself, who can you tell about it? There is no one to share your grief with, you have just been shot down in the most painful and degrading manner possible by the only person you ever put down the barriers for, and you know that what you have learnt has made it impossible to ever lift those barriers again, and you know that no one really has time for... you, and ... well, you are alone, alone in a cold world, because you can not forget, you can not wash away the memories, and you can not erase what has happened.
its a cold cold world when I am out here on my own.
With pain piling up ever-fresh as you know that now, there is nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope will ease the pain, nothing that will not make it a glaringly obvious thing that you are a person that is doomed to see death and yet never die.
it is something that no one can ever possibly understand, because no one has been through it.
there is nothing... positive... in my life to offset all the negative, and well, it hurts.
I do not think anyone can ever really know how much it does so.
its a cold cold world when I'm out here on my own.
Did I say that walking to fish hoek to get a taxi was the hardest thing I ever did in my life to date. I did not know whether to walk or to crawl, or to walk like I was nursing a wound to the side, because I never ever knew such barrenness in my life ever.
IT was raining, and that was a small comfort, because that meant no one even saw much how I was tripping on my own feet, all power drained from me, all I thought would make life better turned to sour in the blink of an eye. I was too exhausted to even curse God, and I am so... tired anyway.. all I do is weep inwardly as I see what my life has become.
And I ask myself why God would curse me in this way, why He would give me a life to live and such horror to live through.
I have no idea what the rest of my life will be like, but I tell the truth, right now all I want to do is curl up and just be a ball and forget for a while what I have to do to get out.
I feel like the moon would feel if it had feelings, knowing that it is very visible at night, and yet, it is also alone in the empty space, drifting around with its eyes on the earth, and never leaving it completely and yet not a part of it.
things happening to other people and not to it.
Alone, and with its own winter of the heart, something that no one can share, no one can even suspect, because it is all so... visible.
And the ironic thing?
I have to move, whether I like it or not. I have to be like a shark, in constant motion, although, unlike the shark, if I stay still I do not drown, I... just have everyone walk all over me.
I am reminded of the statement that God had rendered in the first person plural, and it seems so... sad" Who has believed our report, and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed. he shall grow up as a tender shoot... We all despised him, and esteemed him not... "
And I can NOT, technically, blame God for the acts of people, because God only SAID what would happen and so, how can anyone say that He was wrong?
I mean, after all, there is NOTHING normal about me. All people tend to forget, all people tend to have someone that they bond with, that they have as their own, but I, I know only one thing, that I am a reject, and will forever be a reject. because I do not FIT in to what anyone else may want me to be, to the way of life of people.
And yet, when you get down to it, I am the one person that has had all the power over ALL the earth, and the irony of it is that when it boils down to it, my war, which was with God, to just please let me be, has made it seem like I am somehow to be corrected and brought to people's level, and then to be brought into line as people saw fit.
But people do not seem to grasp the fact that if I decided, this very moment, to just annihilate everyone, I could. Because when you HAVE something, and it is yours, then you do not have to be in a right frame, or acceptable standard to use it. It is yours! In your drawers or in your coat, you can use it.It is like a house, when it is yours you do not need a dress code.
And I did not ever turn my attention to people before, but now, I shall have to.
Because God is a non starter. God is... stubborn... about me remaining alive, and I do not want to live. And what worries me is that, if I focus on people, what shall happen then?Will I finally accept the immutable, that I really HAVE to dig my roots in this world and remove everyone else from it, or will I still try to please people and ignore the fact that well, all THIS is mine? And I have to remove everyone else from it?because if I have to remove people from it, then I am sending them to hell, and if so, then there will remain just a few people till the time I am done showing what is wrong with people NOW, and that means that I am... NOT... going to spare anyone NOW that I can not bear.And who would that be?Well, I am not yet at that stage, but I do not like the way things are going. because I would NOT want to jump again to hasty decisions.But, as I said, I am at present trying to just curl up and NOT think about a future or whatever. I am just in pain, a reject, and at the moment just unhappy with all life, and with God, and I want to know the truth of things.But heck, I am in pain, and that is something that I can not disguise.
And all I can think of, are the words of the song by akon and ... some lady... whitney Houston, I think, "Its a cold cold world when I'm out here on my own...:, and well, I do not think anyone has ever had it colder.
It is with supreme effort that I keep the tears from my eyes, and I have to try to be detached to just even move. Yesterday, as I walked home, after the coloured lady had probably seen the totally lost look on my face and she rubbed my shoulders and squeezed my arms, I knew what it meant to be truly heartbroken, as everything suddenly became as remote as if I was on top of a mountain, looking in as people have ... life.
And the hurt, well, it is something else. I used to be able to joke away the pain, but last night was really bad.
I logged off the internet and went and just... slept... and I do not know how to describe the anguish I felt. It is like the whole of me was one massive ... hurt... and I could do nothing to ease the pain.
I have never wanted anything in life, never wanted life, and never longed for anything. I have had God force Himself into my life, and I have known from the beginning that He had not come to- as He intends for all else- come to offer me a better 'quality life' - but rather, from His rather grave statements confirming everything I see, just more of the same, as I saw it.
I remember Him telling me that I saw clearly when I told Him that my mother did not really love me, and I was taken aback, because I thought He could, He would, make ways so that we could mend bridges.
But, slowly, slowly, He has been stripping me of every vestige of hope, hope that I could ever even have a foothold among other people, and live among them, and now, I see the bleakness of my life, the emptiness of it all, and hell, it is a cold, cold world when I am out here on my own.
I know now how it feels to be truly alone.
I got on the phone, I wanted to cry out to maybe the one person whose shoulder has been for a while, my hiding place, Vinnie, and I found I could NOT say what the problem really was, and I have had to endure some of the worst moments of my life, just sitting down, while my mind was pacing like a caged lion, seeking a way out, a way to end the horror.
I decided to just tell him everything, or at least some of it.
Like the fact that no one TOLD me that my mother wanted me dead, but I could never forget it, that it was something I remember and, hell, time may be a healer for some, but how do you live with yourself when just a head's turn behind you lurks the spectre of the one woman every person is supposed to love, 'your mother' drawing you down into the water, and you seeing her shape being distorted by the small wavelets of the water as if she suddenly has become a dream-figure, something not real; how do you live with that?
You do not, that is what. Your every act is shaped by that, your every bit of outlook is based on the fact that you are NOT wanted, and you look high and low for someone, anyone, that can show you love, and you look for a woman to hold you in her arms and at least find something worthwhile in you, something worth holding out her arms to you ... for.
You certainly do NOT expect to have every statement shoved in your face, and be kicked like a dog for it.
And as you eyes grow wider in disbelief at the very sad, poignant reality of it all, and you KNOW you are caught up 'with' life because God decided to do the most significant and first of many unnatural acts He has performed on you, you know that that also is so deeply engrained in your memory that you relive it moment after moment, and you know that the last of your innocence, the last of your hope in people, 'with people' has just ben torn away, and you are alone, alive, and miserable in this cold cold world, with no one to call your own, no one to make the dark days, the nightmares that stretch back 31 years less of an ever-present spectre.
And you ask yourself, who can you tell about it? There is no one to share your grief with, you have just been shot down in the most painful and degrading manner possible by the only person you ever put down the barriers for, and you know that what you have learnt has made it impossible to ever lift those barriers again, and you know that no one really has time for... you, and ... well, you are alone, alone in a cold world, because you can not forget, you can not wash away the memories, and you can not erase what has happened.
its a cold cold world when I am out here on my own.
With pain piling up ever-fresh as you know that now, there is nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope will ease the pain, nothing that will not make it a glaringly obvious thing that you are a person that is doomed to see death and yet never die.
it is something that no one can ever possibly understand, because no one has been through it.
there is nothing... positive... in my life to offset all the negative, and well, it hurts.
I do not think anyone can ever really know how much it does so.
its a cold cold world when I'm out here on my own.
Did I say that walking to fish hoek to get a taxi was the hardest thing I ever did in my life to date. I did not know whether to walk or to crawl, or to walk like I was nursing a wound to the side, because I never ever knew such barrenness in my life ever.
IT was raining, and that was a small comfort, because that meant no one even saw much how I was tripping on my own feet, all power drained from me, all I thought would make life better turned to sour in the blink of an eye. I was too exhausted to even curse God, and I am so... tired anyway.. all I do is weep inwardly as I see what my life has become.
And I ask myself why God would curse me in this way, why He would give me a life to live and such horror to live through.
I feel like the moon would feel if it had feelings, knowing that it is very visible at night, and yet, it is also alone in the empty space, drifting around with its eyes on the earth, and never leaving it completely and yet not a part of it.
things happening to other people and not to it.
Alone, and with its own winter of the heart, something that no one can share, no one can even suspect, because it is all so... visible.
And the ironic thing?
I have to move, whether I like it or not. I have to be like a shark, in constant motion, although, unlike the shark, if I stay still I do not drown, I... just have everyone walk all over me.
I am reminded of the statement that God had rendered in the first person plural, and it seems so... sad" Who has believed our report, and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed. he shall grow up as a tender shoot... We all despised him, and esteemed him not... "
And I can NOT, technically, blame God for the acts of people, because God only SAID what would happen and so, how can anyone say that He was wrong?
I mean, after all, there is NOTHING normal about me. All people tend to forget, all people tend to have someone that they bond with, that they have as their own, but I, I know only one thing, that I am a reject, and will forever be a reject. because I do not FIT in to what anyone else may want me to be, to the way of life of people.
And yet, when you get down to it, I am the one person that has had all the power over ALL the earth, and the irony of it is that when it boils down to it, my war, which was with God, to just please let me be, has made it seem like I am somehow to be corrected and brought to people's level, and then to be brought into line as people saw fit.
But people do not seem to grasp the fact that if I decided, this very moment, to just annihilate everyone, I could. Because when you HAVE something, and it is yours, then you do not have to be in a right frame, or acceptable standard to use it. It is yours! In your drawers or in your coat, you can use it.It is like a house, when it is yours you do not need a dress code.
And I did not ever turn my attention to people before, but now, I shall have to.
Because God is a non starter. God is... stubborn... about me remaining alive, and I do not want to live. And what worries me is that, if I focus on people, what shall happen then?Will I finally accept the immutable, that I really HAVE to dig my roots in this world and remove everyone else from it, or will I still try to please people and ignore the fact that well, all THIS is mine? And I have to remove everyone else from it?because if I have to remove people from it, then I am sending them to hell, and if so, then there will remain just a few people till the time I am done showing what is wrong with people NOW, and that means that I am... NOT... going to spare anyone NOW that I can not bear.And who would that be?Well, I am not yet at that stage, but I do not like the way things are going. because I would NOT want to jump again to hasty decisions.But, as I said, I am at present trying to just curl up and NOT think about a future or whatever. I am just in pain, a reject, and at the moment just unhappy with all life, and with God, and I want to know the truth of things.But heck, I am in pain, and that is something that I can not disguise.
