ALL MY LIFE I have had a kind of grip on th monster within me, because I had nothing to lose, nothing to ... hope... for.
And then this woman has to walk into my life and make me lose my grip, because the one who has always been asleep came to life.
NOW, now I am rather... in despair... because I am unable to STOP myself from doing anything drastic.
All I need to grow furious is to have someone, anyone confront me. It is that simple. The ONE thing I can not bear is to be told by ANYONE what to do, because if I have to be told, then the person is assuming that he or she knows better than me what should be, and well, my response hitherto has always been, what do I care what you think is right or not, I can totally rip the carpet from under your feet and ... destroy everything that makes you think you are right.
And me furious is me at the top of my game, because the Battle-Lord that resides in me, the Warrior, KNOWS exactly what to do to destroy people, and... hell... I do NOT want to do that.
NOT when in my mind there is the face of this one woman staring straight at me with those soulful eyes as I try to stay afloat.
I told you people to stay out of my way, and you did not listen, and then you all had to try to impose your wills on me. And I tell you to stay the fuck out of my path OR I will destroy you, because I do NOT care about any of you, and you have to hide behind the one i do care about, and try to use that against me, to make me change.
I may have my personality problems, but I am smarter than any of you any day, any time, and your acts of condescension only fuel my rage, because NOBODY has the right to assume that he or she has any hold on me.
I am feeling sick inside because I do not know just how long I can hold this in.
I said before that I could never stay among people, that I hate people, and you think when I show up in kalk bay I am doing so so that I can receive your pleas for mercy.
You only make me angrier, because all I want is peace.
From you all.
So that your deaths do NOT have to be on my hand.
Because trust me, I CAN do everything that I said I can do, and I can do even more than that, and THAT is why I think it best for me to leave, before I have to put that into practice.
And I do not want to leave, because I am incapable of tearing myself away from this woman.
Yet the more I stick around, the madder i get, and the more I am incapable of reining in my temper.
THIS, this is NOT me. This person with rage.
But I am made INTO that by... people.
Who bother me.
I am NOT a killer.
I am NOT inhumane.
I just do NOT want to be persecuted.
Or be so... disrespected.
Listen, all you silly women, I do NOT care for any of you, and all you silly fools who think that if I want to have something to do with this woman you all should be included, do you KNOW, I mean, REALLY know that I could kill you AND send you to hell and have you burn for all eternity JUST for assuming that because I care about her i MUST care about you as well?
I am NOT confused about my heart. I am 100% certain there. It is when someone tries to extrapolate and infer things that are not there that I become angry, like this asshole mike, and all those guys and everyone that has been dancing all over her like they also deserve a piece of the pie.
Me, I have nothing to lose. Wanna play a game of 'chicken'? I bet you this, that if nothing changes for the better, then i am going to go to sleep, and think things through-hell how many times have I done EXACTLY THAT?- and then decide that my pride matters more, and just give in completely to my rage and let everyone die as I said, and then grieve alone for ever.
I can not die.
You can.
I hold all the power
OVER everything.
AND I can not bear ANY sort of chains, or bonds from anyone.
NOR responsibilities for anyone else's life.
So, does ANYONE STILL think what she thinks about anything I do should matter more than NOT tipping the crazy one over the edge and thus destroying for ever that person's chance of ... life?
DOES any of you think they should stand in the way of my anger and try to keep me from leaving you fools ... alive?
Or do you, woman, think that you can still NOT give me a definite clear, unambiguous without-anyone-else-included-in-it-EVER answer?
Because you have caused me pain, and in the one area i have NO defense, the one area that makes me want to reflexively lash out and destroy everything in my path?
Stop thinking about God. I am here. In the flesh, and I am saying to YOU that this is what I feel, this is how i will act and this is where i am at, and i am asking YOU what you think and feel about that? Will you ignore THAT? How many times have I been angry at you for all your testing me, and then, with an effort, stopped the outpouring of my anger when I could have just given in to it.
I am NOT normal, so STOP using your templates for people on ME. When have they ever worked? Have you ever done anything that has caused me, at THAT moment, to turn from a chosen path of mine, or has it been only when I was away from the cause of my pain that I drew back?
And you can NOT learn the things that are right before your own eyes?
Oh, God, let me die>
PLEASE, just PLEASE let me die.
I have suffered enough.
THIS is a heavy load You are imposing on me.
I never asked You to come into my life.
If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have taken a taxi that night, just so that I could avoid meeting You.
Now i am caught between a rock and a hard place, and You STILL make me mad by Your involvement in my life.
Oh, if I could express in deep, meaningful words how I hate YOU, how everything about You makes me so... upset!
And you leave me to flounder in life, and now, for all Your vaunted speeches, You have no way out for me, except that I become what I detest.
ndiko here kundichengeta
kwamaita
manditakura
kundisvikisa kwamupfiga nebwe...
imba yacho iyi
haina window
imba yacho iyi
haina window
God, WHY, WHY WHY?
JUST PLEASE< I can NOT STAND this anymore,
LET ME just be gone.
JUST PLEASE< I can NOT STAND this anymore,
LET ME just be gone.
Pull the plug, and let me have darkness for my covering.
I can no stand this anymore.
Please, let me have my rest.
I give up!
I give up!
